Stress. Ugh.
I hate it. But it's part of life. Honestly, it's been TOO much a part of my life for TOO long. While I do have a tendency to create stress for myself, the last few weeks (okay, like since Memorial Day), have been out of control. Pretty much we should all be grateful I didn't have to be hospitalized.
Part of it was my own fault. I let certain things spiral out of control (in my mind) and tried to ignore things that really needed to be taken care of. And of course there were the issues I created. And the things that actually needed to be dealt with on a regular basis. AND all the superfluous things that I added to my life in either an attempt to take care of some things(knowing full well they wouldn't) or to distract myself.
It all came to a head this last week. I found out I was accepted to my Pharmacy Technician Program. And you'd think that would be a happy moment or something. I just about burst into tears while reading the letter. Okay. I didn't really. But that's only because my roommate was standing there and I try really hard not to cry in front of people. Trust me, I made up for it later with a full-blown emotional breakdown; the likes of which I haven't done probably since the divorce. And it kind of continued on and off for several days. I was not a functioning human being for most of this week. And we won't talk about the weight that I lost between the stress and what my mom and I think is some kind of bug we picked up and have been "enjoying" for more than a week.
Fortunately, I have pretty great family and friends that keep me going. And I snapped out of things a few days ago. I realized that if something is stressing me out, and I don't NEED it in my life, it needs to go away. So I cleaned out a bunch of Facebook clutter, email subscriptions, simplified various other aspects of my life, and decided that if auditioning for shows was going to cause me to feel so badly about myself, then I probably shouldn't do that anymore. And I figured out that if there are things I enjoy doing, maybe I need to do them more; make more time for them. I also decided to structure my life a little more. I just do a little better with structure and knowing what my expectations are.
The reason the Pharmacy Tech thing set me off? Because I'm tired of making life decisions that A) I've kind of already made like 10 years ago or B) I shouldn't have to be making because this is not where my life should be right now. BUT I realized that for 6 years, I waited for babies to come. And I pretended I was moving on with life in the meantime, but I never really did. I didn't do anything unless I could still do it if I had kids. I didn't do anything that I might have to quit if the kids thing finally happened. And I realized I was taking the same approach to life this time around. I kept thinking, "I could go to school...but what if I meet someone and get married? What's the point in starting a program if I'm going to quit it before I'm done?" And while, mentally I try to prepare myself for the fact that I might be single for the rest of forever, part of me has a really hard time with the concept that I'm not going to get anything (marriage, kids, etc) that I was raised to want.
So I gave myself a swift kick in the butt. I took a deep breath. And then I drove up to the DATC and registered for my first Pharmacy class. I've already started on the homework(eventhough the class doesn't start until August 1st) because it's kind of a go at your own pace thing and I'm kind of crazy self-motivated when I put my mind to something.
No. It's not what I'm dying to do with my life. No. It's not what I always wanted to be when I grew up. No. It's not even something I think sounds fun.
Basically, it's something I am capable of doing, that I don't think will make me want to die a little every day I go to work. And I need to have a career where I can support myself for the rest of my life, if necessary. I love my job playing the piano, but it will only provide for me as long as Cecily needs me.
The Pharmacy thing really stressed me out because I thought it meant not getting to do what I wanted, yet again. BUT then I realized, it's not one or the other. I've worked my schedule so that, at least until my externship, I can go to school AND play at the University of Utah. Also, I'm looking to take on private students to teach. And then once I'm done with the program, I'm hoping to find maybe a part time Pharmacy Tech position so I can have a stable job AND the job I love.
I'm feeling better about this plan now. And I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited about being back in school and learning new stuff (this time it will be useful stuff).
And I'm trying to stay balanced mentally and not spend too much time stressing about work, school and trying to control things that are CLEARLY out of my control.
Hopefully this relief lasts more than a week.
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