De-Stress-ify

I've spent the last week living at my parents house while they've been in Hong Kong. On Thursday, I found myself thinking, "What's different? I feel significantly less stressed." I stopped by my apartment to pick up the mail and immediately realized what had happened.

Now, please understand that I have legitimately been trying really hard to have patience with my one roommate. I know that I don't control the choices others make. I'm also very aware that I still suffer the consequences of those choices others make( trust me, I KNOW this). I've been trying to roll with the punches and not worry about things I can't control. However, it's gotten to the point where I am suffering in most negative ways.

Due to my insanely busy schedule, which isn't going to change in the near future, I have tiny windows in which to get certain things taken care of. For example, eating. I do not have time to clean up someone else's mess, cook dinner, eat and then turn around and clean up my mess. I'm sorry, I just don't. And when I have 1 hour to do that in, i can't be competing with someone else in the kitchen.

Additionally, my job is to play the piano. If i want to keep this job, and I very much do, I need to be practicing. And that means I need to fit it in on my schedule. But i always feel like I'm inconveniencing someone.

So I just don't eat and I don't practice.

I'm sure this sounds like I'm being unreasonable and inflexible. I acknowledge that I'm not perfect, far from, and that I have less than desirable traits. Some of them I have a better handle on.

I know that not everything is in my power to change. But some things are. This is.

So I'm going to move. I guess I just need my own space. You try running a house for 8 years and then trying to have roommates. It's rough. This decision also helps me as I come to terms with the reality that I may be single for a long while. I have to figure out the best way I can deal with that. I feel this is best for me.

So I'm on the hunt. 1 or 2 bedrooms. $700 or less a month. North Salt Lake, I'm thinking.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Making this decision as already lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.

What Must Be Done By 31

First off, I feel really clever for coming up with the title of my list.  Next, after last year's big 30 list, I've decided to do fewer items. And I'm going to try to have things on the list that really push my boundaries and make me step outside my comfort zone.

MUST BE DONE BY 31

1. Finish Pharmacy Technician Certification- I know this will get done. I only have one class left and then my externship thing. And then I'll just have to take my national and state exams.
2.  Get my own apartment. The roommate thing has been good for this transitional period as I adjust to being single again and try to get my life figured out. But, I really need my own space. I need to have a space for all my music stuff and not having to worry about roommates when I have a few seconds to practice. And sharing a bathroom is just not working out, especially with this particular roommate. And I ran my own household for 8 years. So having 2 roommates, one in particular who just doesn't think about anyone else, has been quite the adjustment.
3.  Learn to play a new instrument.  I'd really like to learn the guitar, but I don't have access to one. I do, however, have access to a flute, a violin, a trumpet, and a few saxophones. So I guess I have a lot of choices...hmmm
4.  Go on a vacation.  I definitely need one of these. Hopefully it will be a super awesome one.  But even if it is just a weekend away...I just need to get away.
5.  Figure out how to be single for life. I'm not saying this is the only option. But I have to be realistic. In my heart, I've been hoping this situation was short- term. After a year of being divorced and living the single life, I need to accept that this might be the way it is. I mean, I have been married before. I know that's something that a lot of girls don't experience. What are the odds of me finding someone else who wants to put up with me on a permanent basis? I'm not being self- deprecating and I'm not looking for pity. I'm saying it like it is. I know I'm not shiny and new like I was 10 years ago. And I don't play games. It's not that I don't want to married again. And obviously I'd still love to have kids. But if there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that you can hope all you want, and work toward the things you hope, but you have to learn to be happy in whatever situation you find yourself in. And so I need a single girl plan.
6.  Do something I've been too scared to do. I did this one last year and I think it's incredibly liberating for me. I don't take a lot of chances, usually. But I was very daring this last year. And I think I'm better for it.
7.  Be a better communicator. If I can write things down, I communicate really well. If I have to be conversational about it, I'm significantly less effective. And if it's confrontational or emotional, I pretty much shut down. So I'm going to work on it.
8.  Serve others. If it's just going to be me for the rest of my life, I'm going to need a purpose.
9.  Read 5 new books. I used to devour books. And I would read constantly. I love reading, I just need to make time for it.
10.  Get healthy. I know at least half of you are going to hate me a little for this one. I need to gain weight. Over the last 3 years, I've dropped 20 pounds. Not OK. At least not for me. And for about 3/4 of this year, I exercised pretty well. But I've not been doing well recently. So I want to put on some weight and be physically fit.

I still want to add a few more items to my list here, so watch for updates. I think it's interesting that last year, I needed a lot of distractions, so my list had a lot of "do this" type of thing to keep me busy. This year's list is more focused on refining, don't you think? Obviously, I'm getting much more wise in my old age. Or more boring...

Happy Birthday to Me!

My Sister-in-law is awesome.  She is crafty and thoughtful and amazing.  And she has outdone herself this time.

She painstakingly gathered 30 notes from my closest friends and family and compiled them into this book.  On a day I'd been dreading for a year, this was such a source of comfort and so uplifting.  There were so many fond memories and kind words!

This last year has been really difficult for me.  Things still are rough more often than naught.  But this was such a blessing to me at a dark time.  To read all the things written...I just don't deserve amazing friends like you.  And I think some of you might have been drinking copiously while writing these.  Or maybe you were thinking of someone else.  Someone much more worthy of such praise.  Thank you for all your kind words!

And as for Kristie...I can't believe how much time and effort it must have taken for her to track everyone down and keep following up to get things done.  I'm so grateful for such a caring sister-in-law who is so in tune with the spirit that she knew exactly what I needed for my birthday and took the time to make me feel so special on my birthday.

30 Before I Turn 30: An Evaluation

Well, I'm 30 now.  I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed.  I didn't receive any super powers.  I didn't suddenly become all wrinkled and hobbled.  My hair didn't turn gray or fall out.  I didn't break my hip (although considering some of the things I do in the show, it wouldn't have surprised me if I had).  I don't feel different at all.  All this hype over turning 30 for nothing.

I do feel very special, though.  I had a great time celebrating my birthday.  While it wasn't an official celebration, on Thursday, I went out with Amy, Jodi, Lacee and Melina.  Lacee turned 30 a month ago, so she's a pro.  And she's handling it really well, so that gives me hope.  We went to Cafe Rio, Target and Orange Leaf.  Pretty good night, wouldn't you say?  Saturday, I spent the afternoon with Angie, Mandy and Cecily watching French Kiss, chatting and doing manicures and pedicures.  Then we got all fancied up and went to The Roof with some very handsome gentlemen.  Then we went back to Angie and Simon's and made fun of New Moon (oh Twilight, you are so delightfully terrible), tried to cram more food into our overly filled stomaches.

And on the actual day of my birthday, I decided to play hooky from school.  I mean, I can ace a test any day, does it really need to be done on my 30th birthday?  It did not.  So I called up my sister and said, "Bring me some nieces to love on!  Oh and we are going to have an epic day of trying to finish up a few of the remaining items on my 30 Before 30 List."  Fortunately, my darling Taylor is always up for an adventure with Aunt Wendi.  Susie and Pa took us to lunch at El Matador, one of my favorites, so that was awesome.  And I finished up the day by performing in The Scarlet Pimpernel.  And a bunch of my family was there to see me!  And they brought me presents.  My sister-in-law, Kristie is amazing.  And because of that, she and her EPIC present are going to get their very own blog post.

What this post is really about, is evaluating how the 30 Before 30 list went.  Let me just tell you, I started on this list a few months after my 29th birthday, so I didn't have a full year to complete these 30 things, and there were some MAJOR life-changing things on this list.  But I'm pretty proud of myself.  I managed to finished all bu 3 items on the list.

30 Things to do Before I Turn 30
(In no particular order)

1. Go Camping- Okay, so I cheated a little bit.  I didn't have time to go camping or anyone to go camping with, really.  So yesterday, Taylor and I built a blanket tent in the basement and took her little toy lantern and compass and had a little camping nap.
2. Get rid of my Data Plan (I don't have enough self-control to stay off Facebook and other soul-sucking things)- Remember how I changed my mind and decided not to do this one?  Yep.  I learned to tie a tie instead.
3. Go ice skating(I don't think I've been since I was 12)- Another thing Taylor and I did yesterday was go ice skating.  There will be pictures.  It was adorable.  And I was pretty good.  I didn't fall or anything.  Granted, I wasn't really doing a lot intense skating because I was helping a 2 year old.  But still.
4. Attend a yoga class- You are all going to think I'm a big cheater, but I didn't actually go to a yoga class.  I did, however, do several Zumba classes and do some yoga videos from the comfort of my living room.
5. Get a spray tan (I've never been tanning- fake baking or spray tanning)- I didn't get a spray tan.    But I did try out a new tanning lotion from Bath and Body Works.  I actually really liked it.  But tanner gets all over your clothes every time you get a little damp.  Not okay.
6. Eat Eggs (my mom doesn't like eggs so I've never really eaten them...but I should probably at least try them before I turn 30)- Remember how my sister-in-law made me scrambled eggs?  And I actually kind of liked them?  Yep.  I've eaten eggs a couple times since then.  I'm such a grown up.
7. Compose a piece of music (It's been far too long and I'm feeling inspired)- I got lyrics to a song done, and the melody has been bouncing around in my head, but I haven't had time to sit down and get it on paper yet.
8. Visit a State I've never been to- First, I went on the choir trip and went to Virginia, Maryland and Washington DC.  And then there was the epic road trip this summer where I went to South Dakota, Washington and Oregon.  I'm such an overachiever.
9. Stay up all night (it's been a long time since I've pulled an all nighter...but I think I'm up to the challenge)- Did it, but I'm WAY too old to stay up all night anymore.  In fact, I'm hoping to be in bed within the hour.  I know!  Before 10:00, I'm such a party animal.
10. Get a massage (Never had one...but I want one)- My friend, Heidi is a massage therapist.  And  she gave me a massage.  It was awesome!  Seriously!  I need another one.  I'm all kinds of tense.
11. Learn to swim (laugh all you want...I doggie paddle...but I mean business now)- I've worked on the swimming thing.  And I went wake boarding and I didn't drown.  So we'll call it good.
12. Kiss in the rain (there's a lot of back story to this one and I'm not going to explain it)- Okay, I didn't get this one done.  But if it's not going to happen in Germany, what's the point, really?  You know what I mean all you students of Larry Smith?
13. Brush up on my French (That would be the language...in case you're confused)- I was fortunate enough to get cast in The Scarlet Pimpernel.  And we sing in french.  And I got to be the french consultant.  This means I had to brush up on my french.  CHECK!
14. Take a tap class (I can tap, but I've never really taken a class.  I'd like to take a ballroom dance class...but it's awkward when you go to those by yourself.)- I didn't take a class, but I have been working on it on my own.  I know.  That sounds like I'm a crazy person, but I kind of am.
15. Be able to do the splits (I'm actually getting really close...how many 30 year olds do you know that can do the splits?)- It makes me die a little inside to say this is one of the things I didn't finish.  But I was getting really close and then my life got super crazy and I stopped having time to stretch much.  But I got REALLY close!
16. Watch 5 movies everyone quotes but I've never seen (there's more than 5, but I need to start somewhere)- Done.  
17. Read 5 "Classics" (Cuz I want to feel literate)- I read 5 Classics this year.  I've missed reading.
18. Make 6 new recipes (I love to cook)- Lots of tastiness.  Good thing I did this early on because I haven't cooked, I mean REALLY cooked, in weeks.
19. Learn a new car-related skill (as a single woman, I really should know more than I do)- I tried changing my own windshield wipers.  I think I know the theory behind it.  But I couldn't get the old ones off.  So...I didn't get this one done either.  FAIL.
20. Learn a new handy man skill (If I knew how to fix things I wouldn't have to sit on my washer during the spin cycle...on the down side...How do I coerce guys to my house if I know how to fix things?)- I cleaned out the sink in the bathroom.  Remember how I took apart the sink to do it?  More importantly, remember how I put it back together?  Yep.  I'm awesome.
21. Learn a new computer skill (I'm pretty tech savvy...but I'm a nerd)- Totally fixed my iPhone when I changed to t-Mobile and it wouldn't send picture texts anymore.  I'm so cool.
22. Go on a spontaneous trip- EPIC Roadtrip 2012.  Need I say  more?
23. Make a 72 hour kit (cuz, you know, I should be prepared)- CHECK!  All prepared for 72 hour disaster.
24. Wear a bikini (I never have and I if I'm ever going to, shouldn't it be before I'm 30...plus I'm working out and looking pretty hot right now)- Did it.  And might I say I look pretty darn good in one!
25. Memorize 2 piano pieces (I don't memorize as much anymore...and I really should)- I actually only got 1/2 of one song memorized.  However, I learned a lot of other new songs this year and I think my sight reading skills have improved a ton.  So I'm counting it.
26. Try new dishes at restaurants (I have a tendency to just order the same thing every time)- I'm not very daring.  I like consistency.  But I think I did a really job of it this last year.  I was very brave.  
27. Do something I've been too scared to do (I don't have anything specific in mind)- I'm not going to tell you what it is because it's a little embarrassing that I was nearly 30 before I tried this particular thing.  But I will tell you it was absolutely life changing and I don't know how I lived before.
28. Go to a foreign Country- CANADA is Foreign.
29. Get a stamp in my passport (I've had one for 4 years dang it!)- CANADA wouldn't stamp my passport.  But I had to flash it to get in.  So I did use it.  I'm counting it.  
30. Have the perfect kiss (thank you FRIENDS for this idea)- I'm not going to give you details.  A lady doesn't kiss and tell.  But suffice it to say, I can't imagine a better story or a better kiss.

So there you have it.  Honestly, 27/30 isn't too bad.  And I probably will finish up 2 of the 3 left in the next few months (I'm really determined to do the splits and get those windshield wipers fixed).

And stay tuned because I've got some awesome things on my To Do List before I'm 31.  But I'm going to go for a shorter list this time.  I'm not going to be stressed out about getting things done again.

30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

The final countdown has begun and I only have a few days left in my 20's.  I've decided to just accept the reality of turning 30.  I mean it's happening regardless of how I feel about it. And while I'm still frantically trying to finish up the last few items on my Before 30 list, I've been thinking a lot about what the " silver lining" might be to being 30 years old. I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough week for trying to look on the bright side, mostly because I have stressed myself out so much about trying to be happy for the fateful day and then worrying that something catastrophic was going to make this the 2nd worst birthday of my 30 years ( the 1st being last year). And don't worry, I have a pretty good idea of what would ruin it.  I'm certain you'll all enjoy the humor of this short list I'm freaking out about.
~ Vampires crash the party ( thanks to netflix for streaming Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
~Someone dies
~People do stupid things
~I do stupid things ( you'd think I could avoid this, but I'm history tells a different story)

Anyway, in an attempt to make myself feel less crazy ( yeah this will probably backfire), I've decided to make a list of 30 things I've learned in these 30 years.

1. There's nothing wrong with waiting. Sometimes you don't get what you want when you want it. Sometimes that's a really good thing. And some things are worth waiting for, even if it feels like you wait forever.
2. Righty tighty. Lefty loosey.
3.  Happiness is a choice. Sometimes life sucks. But sometimes it doesn't. Either way, it is your choice to be happy.
4.  Choose your friends wisely. I am blessed beyond measure to have some really awesome friends. The amazing part is that nearly every single one of them has been in my life for 15+ years, or married one of my friends of 15+ years. There are a few more recent additions. Regardless, every one of them makes my life better.
5.  Read the directions first. It just makes life easier if you know what you are starting with, where you need to end and all of the steps in between. And don't try to skip steps.
6. Ms. Frizzle has it right: Take chances. Make mistakes. Get messy.
7.  Pain can help you learn. Suffering is pointless. Learn from pain and move on. Dwelling isn't helping you. How long should you really continue to punish yourself?(FYI this is a lesson I know I struggle with)
8. You can't please everyone.
9. Everybody fails sometimes. That doesn't make you a failure.
10.  Endure with a smile. You can't stop the rain from coming. Just try to have an umbrella and make the best of it until the sun comes out again.
11. Sometimes you have to cry.
12.  Brown hair makes my eyes pop. I do think my hair is a little too dark right now. But my stylist is on bed rest, so it will have to wait.
13.  Acne is not just a problem for teens.
14.  As long as there is a piano around, I can sort through anything.
15.  We all do stupid things sometimes.
16.  Everyone has baggage. You just have to know what baggage you can deal with.
17.  Heavenly Father knows what you need and when you need it. Trust Him.
18.  The best blessings are the ones I didn't see coming. And I'm grateful for them everyday.
19.  Never give up, but know when to get out. Sometimes you have to save yourself.
20.  Life isn't easy. The things you treasure most are the things you worked hardest for.
21.  Just because you were hurt once doesn't mean you will always get hurt.
22.  It's ok to be the 2nd choice. At least you were chosen.
23.  People need to know that you need them. You can't be strong all the time. Let people help you. It's really ok. I'm still working on this one.
24.  The only thing worse than failing, is never trying.
25.  Your initial instinct is usually on target.
26.  Good things come to those who wait. And wait... And wait... and wait...
27.  You have control over what you let stress you out. I'm still working on this one.
28.  Be yourself, who cares what anyone else thinks.
29.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
30.  No man is an island. I would never have made it through the insanity of the last few years alone. I'm so grateful to all the people who let me lean on them.

One Year

I want to get this post out of the way before it ends up tainting my birthday. I'm already having anxiously about turning 30, and these things bouncing around in my head are not really helping. I'm trying desperately to have a good attitude about my birthday, so I think I need to get this over with.


Let's be honest, despite my attempt at clinging to the silver lining, it's been a rough year. I've had a lot of mountains to climb; a lot of changes to adjust to; a lot of baggage to support through( and quite frankly, I'll probably be carrying a bunch of it for the rest of my life); a lot of healing to do.

I think that people might think that I've handled things well and have moved on fairly quickly. I guess that's how it could be perceived. Mostly because i know life is going to go on, even when I am not ready for it, so i slap a smile on my face and try to figure out how to function in normal society in this unimaginable situation in which I find myself. And sometimes I achieve this better than other times.

The last few months have been a real struggle. I keep thinking about what was going on with my life last year, and the feelings of that awfulness come screaming back. I know what the pivotal moments were and reliving them over and over is more than a little unpleasant. And of course, I keep wondering what more I could have done to prevent life from crumbling.

And you know what the worst part is? While I felt like I was out of options, like my hand was being forced, like the choice had already been made for me, I will always be the one who left him. The woman who left her husband. Whatever the reason, it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It's a title I never wanted to hold.

I'm doing a show right now ( The Scarlet Pimpernel) and it keeps me busy, which is good. But it reminds me of how i was doing a show last year when everything fell apart. I keep waiting for disaster to strike. I knew by the time we got back from Disney World that divorce was inevitable. And I left the day after Sleepy Hollow opened.

Pimpernel opens on Monday. And while I try to ignore the sense of foreboding (I know it's residual from last year), I can't help but prepare myself for the worst. And quite frankly, it's putting a dark cloud over my birthday.

And I've done what i can to distract myself from the epic fail of this milestone (30) for me. My 30 Before 30 list was actually one of my better ideas this year. But I still can't help but think about how I'm turning 30, I'm divorced and single, childless and without a career, back in school. By just about any standard of measure, that's some big old failure.

But I keep plugging along, trying to focus on everything I've accomplished this year. But more on that another time. Today I just needed to unload the ugliness of last year so I can try to find a way to make it through the next 2 weeks.