One Year

I want to get this post out of the way before it ends up tainting my birthday. I'm already having anxiously about turning 30, and these things bouncing around in my head are not really helping. I'm trying desperately to have a good attitude about my birthday, so I think I need to get this over with.


Let's be honest, despite my attempt at clinging to the silver lining, it's been a rough year. I've had a lot of mountains to climb; a lot of changes to adjust to; a lot of baggage to support through( and quite frankly, I'll probably be carrying a bunch of it for the rest of my life); a lot of healing to do.

I think that people might think that I've handled things well and have moved on fairly quickly. I guess that's how it could be perceived. Mostly because i know life is going to go on, even when I am not ready for it, so i slap a smile on my face and try to figure out how to function in normal society in this unimaginable situation in which I find myself. And sometimes I achieve this better than other times.

The last few months have been a real struggle. I keep thinking about what was going on with my life last year, and the feelings of that awfulness come screaming back. I know what the pivotal moments were and reliving them over and over is more than a little unpleasant. And of course, I keep wondering what more I could have done to prevent life from crumbling.

And you know what the worst part is? While I felt like I was out of options, like my hand was being forced, like the choice had already been made for me, I will always be the one who left him. The woman who left her husband. Whatever the reason, it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It's a title I never wanted to hold.

I'm doing a show right now ( The Scarlet Pimpernel) and it keeps me busy, which is good. But it reminds me of how i was doing a show last year when everything fell apart. I keep waiting for disaster to strike. I knew by the time we got back from Disney World that divorce was inevitable. And I left the day after Sleepy Hollow opened.

Pimpernel opens on Monday. And while I try to ignore the sense of foreboding (I know it's residual from last year), I can't help but prepare myself for the worst. And quite frankly, it's putting a dark cloud over my birthday.

And I've done what i can to distract myself from the epic fail of this milestone (30) for me. My 30 Before 30 list was actually one of my better ideas this year. But I still can't help but think about how I'm turning 30, I'm divorced and single, childless and without a career, back in school. By just about any standard of measure, that's some big old failure.

But I keep plugging along, trying to focus on everything I've accomplished this year. But more on that another time. Today I just needed to unload the ugliness of last year so I can try to find a way to make it through the next 2 weeks.