Clearly not me as it's currently 12:23 am and I'm blogging. I've already tossed and turned for over an hour. I even threw pillows at the wall in expression of my great frustration. Of course, then I had to go retrieve them so I could make another vain attempt at sleep.
Epic. Fail.
So I'm blogging. Maybe there's something on my mind that just needs to get out so everything can rest peacefully tonight. Maybe.
Maybe? Ha! Of course there is. My brain is in overdrive most of the time. And it likes to get extra agitated right as I'm trying to go to sleep. Come on! You've had all day to think about things and analyze things and decide things and imagine things and sleeping time is when you decided to really kick it into gear?!
What's that? You tell me I've been ignoring bigger issues throughout the day? I'm purposefully ignoring things and people who make me want to bang my head against the wall? Wait! I'm putting important, yet tedious or uncomfortable tasks on the back-burner in the hopes that they'll resolve themselves?
Oh ya. I totally do that. Oops.
But you know what? Some issues I can't deal with on my own. Some issues need to be resolved with a second party. I can't wave my magic fairy wand and make people use their words. I can't use my crystal ball and see into the future to know if certain people and events are going to continue to perplex me. I can't use my Jedi mind tricks to have people do my bidding. (Obviously if I had any of these powers, I would only use them for good)
And in some circumstances, I try. I really really do. I've made a few goals this year. I refuse to call them Resolutions because those rarely go well. So Goals it is.
Goal #1- Be a nicer person. I'm trying not to be so sarcastic. More importantly I'm trying to be more encouraging and supportive of my friends and family and their endeavors. I'm also working on my road rage. Mostly because I can't yell out "Whore" when my nieces are in the car because they are at the age where they really pick up on things. I'm trying not to be as critical. It may not seem like I'm making much progress. But I really am trying.
Goal #2- Be a better communicator. Sometimes I like to avoid situations that make me uncomfortable because I HATE confrontation. Seriously, I'll just convince myself that I'm the one to blame for an awkward exchange or argument or whatever if it means I don't have to confront someone else. Of course, that leads to a lot of stress and anxiety on my part because then I start to believe that I'm some sort of burden on the world and I'm the source of everyone's unhappiness. Okay. That was a little melodramatic, but you know what I mean.
Goal #3- Think. Sometimes I have knee-jerk reactions that aren't always the best. Don't get me wrong, sometimes my initial impression or thought is correct. But I'm trying harder to take deep breaths and really think through things before I make decisions. I'm trying to do this before I respond to emails and text messages too so that I don't say something I might regret.
The frustrating part is that not everyone is making an effort to be a better communicator. And the world is still full of a lot of stupid people that make it really hard for me to be a nicer person. And sometimes in the heat of the moment, I don't always stop to think. And I am human and I make mistakes! I forget that. And other people do too. I'm not going to magically achieve my goals just cuz I want to. I do appreciate little acknowledgements of my successes in these areas though. Hopefully I have the occasional success.
I've had to change a lot of things about my life and how I see life in the present and the future. This last year has been quite the roller coaster. And in some ways, it's calming down. In others...well, I just keep hoping things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. Honestly, what else can I do but hope?
So why am I not sleeping? Because I have unrealistic expectations of myself. Because I know I have a million things waiting for me this week. Because I'm trying to be a better person and I feel like I'm failing miserably. Because I have unresolved things that maybe some people can sleep through, but I can not. Because I have life decisions to make. Because I'm afraid I offend people daily. Because I can't stop thinking about all the ways I could have been better last week. Because I'm a girl and apparently that makes me crazy and there's nothing I can do about it. Because it's okay for other people to whine but not me. Because I don't do things half way. Because I'm the type of person who gives 110% to everything and everyone. And because in spite of everything, I still have hope.
See? I bet you wouldn't sleep either if you had all that going through your brain. But then, who needs sleep?
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