As you can tell, I've been a little emotionally over-charged recently. It's less than charming, if you want my opinion. Watching Little Women just about did me in. There's the part where Beth is dying and Jo is there at her bedside talking to her. And Beth says she doesn't understand why everyone wanted to leave home. She said she was always content to stay at home. And then she says this, "I just didn't want to be left behind." And that was pretty much the end for me. And I'm not a crier. So you know it's got to be bad when that happens. We're not going to take the time to explore the many reasons that pushed me over the edge.
Anyway, yesterday I was at my mom's house, playing with Taylor Elisabeth and practicing stuff for my Beth callback. I was sitting at the piano playing and singing through "Some Things Are Meant to Be", the song Beth sings in the show right before she dies. And Taylor climbed up next to me and started playing too. And then I sang, "All my life, I've lived for loving you." And just then she leaned her head against my shoulder.
I'm not ashamed to say it melted my cold, dead heart. I probably would have started crying. However, right then, she turned her head and sneezed all over my arm.
I sure do love her face!
I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Life's Little Lessons
I want to start out this post by saying that I have the BEST friends EVER! There's a pretty good chance yesterday would have been a complete disaster if it weren't for Cecily and Angie. And now I'll tell you why.
When Centerpoint Legacy Theater announced it's 2012 season, I was really excited because they were doing Little Women. I've wanted to do that show since my friend, Cecily was Jo a few years ago. And truth be told, that was the reason I auditioned for Sleepy Hollow last year. I knew I needed to get my face back out there and wanted to make sure I had experience auditioning at the new theater before Little Women came around. And then I found out that the wife of my high school choir teacher (with whom I'm still in contact), was directing the show. Trust me when I tell you that "who you know" definitely plays a part in getting into theater.
Well, Little Women auditions were on Saturday. My audition was fine. It wasn't great. I was more stressed about it than I really should have been. Let's be honest, I'm more than a little emotionally invested in getting into this show. And that never really plays out well in the long run. I know this, and yet continue to let it happen. Over the course of time since Sleepy Hollow, I've auditioned several times and not gotten in to anything. I would be a little distressed each time for a bit, but enough was happening in my life to get me moving on.
After the initial audition, I had a family party and then a nice distraction that came in a boating trip courtesy of Angie's brother and his wife, which was super fun (despite the fact I couldn't get up on the wake board...next time!). It probably saved my sanity. Sunday night, I got the email notifying me that I was called back for the part of Beth. For those of you forgetting your Little Women trivia... Beth is the one who dies (Oops! Sorry! Spoiler Alert?).
Anyway, I spent the next couple days obsessively pouring over the music for the show, including the 2 songs that Beth sings and all the songs with harmonies (it's been a while since I've had to sing tight harmony), and reading the book and watching the movie. I know you're all probably thinking I'm a crazy person. I think we can all agree that's more than a little true, particularly right now. I just REALLY want to be in this show. It's the thing I've been working toward pretty much since last fall. And every time I didn't make a show, I thought to myself, "It's okay. Wait until Little Women." I know. I know. I've put a lot of pressure on this show. And you don't know the half of it.
Well, all that preparing on Monday might have pushed me over the edge, psychologically speaking. Remember how I have that funny little side effect to stress? Yep. The one where I lose weight? Let me explain to you how that truly works. When I get stressed OUT OF MY MIND (I'm talking "the world is ending" melodramatic level here), I can make myself sick to my stomach. It's not something I'm proud of, okay? And I've been trying to work on it. Since the divorce, my weight hasn't really fluctuated much. I'm only going to say this once, so don't miss it.... I DO NOT have an eating disorder. I like to cook. I like to eat. And I would rather get hit by a train than vomit. But sometimes, I stress myself out to the point that I just don't have an appetite.
Well, Monday night was the beginning of one of those times. I showered and got ready for bed. I read a bit. Did my usual pre-bed routine. I even tried to be really good in saying my prayers and only express gratitude for my blessings. I didn't ask for a single thing. By midnight, I was absolutely sick to my stomach. Sleep wasn't happening. The more I tried not to think about the Callback, the sicker I got. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself, but that seemed to make it worse. Pretty much I had a nice little anxiety attack. It was awesome. Wait. No it wasn't. I ended up throwing up somewhere around 12:30 am ( I know, more info than you wanted) and then restlessly attempted sleep for the rest of the night. It didn't go well. And I "woke up" (seriously you can't count what I did as sleeping), still sick to my stomach and absolutely exhausted.
Fortunately, my mom called and I headed over to her house for a little distraction, courtesy of my adorable niece, Taylor. And then I had voice lessons. I think Cecily was very concerned about my listlessness. I told her how anxcious I was about the callbacks. She said, "If you don't make it, it's because Heavenly Father has something else planned for you."
And Cue the Pity Party. "I'm tired of waiting!". She said, "Well, maybe that's your trial." And then I got a little melodramatic and slightly out of control. "I'm sorry but I think I've had enough trials for a bit! Infertility, a husband who stops believing in God and stops loving me, divorce, being single at 30! I'm done! I've had my share for now! I think I deserve a break! And I'm tired of not getting things I want, no matter how much work I put into them!" Honestly, I'm pretty proud of myself for not having a full on break down and crying. And Cecily was great about letting me vent and then getting me back on track. We went through songs for the callback and by the end I felt much better. I knew I was as prepared as I could be. I was still pretty frustrated about life, but at least I knew I was ready for the callback. Oh and I still felt physically ill.
On the way home, I called Angie. She told me I needed to take a serious chill pill. And she told me I needed to come up to visit her and have more distractions before the audition. So I packed up all the stuff I needed for the callback (change of clothes, dance shoes, etc) and headed to Angie's house.
It was just what I needed. Angie and I talked. She realized she needed a new headshot to submit for the show she's in out at Hale Centre Theatre, so we went outside and I took a bunch until we found one that was Angie-Approved (this is a serious feat btw). I assisted with a little dinner prep while we talked through some more stuff. I whined about how frustrated I am with the trials I have. And she said, "Well, what do you think you need to work on in your life?" Uh... can we really not start that list? It's pretty much unending. We talked about how Heavenly Father sends us trials to help us learn lessons and improve. And the trials he sends us are custom made to get us to where we need to be.
So looking at my trials and challenges, I'm pretty much doomed to a life of lessons about learning patience. And let's throw in tolerance as well. Oh and the really BIG one: Control. I know that when I let go and don't try to force things or control situations, life goes more smoothly. And I know that I can't control everything. I get really frustrated though, when I suffer consequences for other people's choices. For example, Gale chose not to believe in God anymore. The consequences of this decision are still present in my daily life. That one choice, made by another person, was the catalyst that changed my life in so many ways, and continues to do so. It's the gift that keeps giving (sense the sarcasm).
Anyway, after talking things through with Angie, I feel a little better. I mean, I still wish things were different and that I had the power to change them the way I want to. On the other hand, if I had changed things to the way I wanted a few years ago, I would have had a child or two that would have had to deal with the divorce. And I'm oh so very grateful that wasn't the case. So I guess I just need to take a chill pill and plug along and hope that whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me is so awesome it makes up for all the crap of the last couple years.
Man. Life Lessons are rough.
When Centerpoint Legacy Theater announced it's 2012 season, I was really excited because they were doing Little Women. I've wanted to do that show since my friend, Cecily was Jo a few years ago. And truth be told, that was the reason I auditioned for Sleepy Hollow last year. I knew I needed to get my face back out there and wanted to make sure I had experience auditioning at the new theater before Little Women came around. And then I found out that the wife of my high school choir teacher (with whom I'm still in contact), was directing the show. Trust me when I tell you that "who you know" definitely plays a part in getting into theater.
Well, Little Women auditions were on Saturday. My audition was fine. It wasn't great. I was more stressed about it than I really should have been. Let's be honest, I'm more than a little emotionally invested in getting into this show. And that never really plays out well in the long run. I know this, and yet continue to let it happen. Over the course of time since Sleepy Hollow, I've auditioned several times and not gotten in to anything. I would be a little distressed each time for a bit, but enough was happening in my life to get me moving on.
After the initial audition, I had a family party and then a nice distraction that came in a boating trip courtesy of Angie's brother and his wife, which was super fun (despite the fact I couldn't get up on the wake board...next time!). It probably saved my sanity. Sunday night, I got the email notifying me that I was called back for the part of Beth. For those of you forgetting your Little Women trivia... Beth is the one who dies (Oops! Sorry! Spoiler Alert?).
Anyway, I spent the next couple days obsessively pouring over the music for the show, including the 2 songs that Beth sings and all the songs with harmonies (it's been a while since I've had to sing tight harmony), and reading the book and watching the movie. I know you're all probably thinking I'm a crazy person. I think we can all agree that's more than a little true, particularly right now. I just REALLY want to be in this show. It's the thing I've been working toward pretty much since last fall. And every time I didn't make a show, I thought to myself, "It's okay. Wait until Little Women." I know. I know. I've put a lot of pressure on this show. And you don't know the half of it.
Well, all that preparing on Monday might have pushed me over the edge, psychologically speaking. Remember how I have that funny little side effect to stress? Yep. The one where I lose weight? Let me explain to you how that truly works. When I get stressed OUT OF MY MIND (I'm talking "the world is ending" melodramatic level here), I can make myself sick to my stomach. It's not something I'm proud of, okay? And I've been trying to work on it. Since the divorce, my weight hasn't really fluctuated much. I'm only going to say this once, so don't miss it.... I DO NOT have an eating disorder. I like to cook. I like to eat. And I would rather get hit by a train than vomit. But sometimes, I stress myself out to the point that I just don't have an appetite.
Well, Monday night was the beginning of one of those times. I showered and got ready for bed. I read a bit. Did my usual pre-bed routine. I even tried to be really good in saying my prayers and only express gratitude for my blessings. I didn't ask for a single thing. By midnight, I was absolutely sick to my stomach. Sleep wasn't happening. The more I tried not to think about the Callback, the sicker I got. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself, but that seemed to make it worse. Pretty much I had a nice little anxiety attack. It was awesome. Wait. No it wasn't. I ended up throwing up somewhere around 12:30 am ( I know, more info than you wanted) and then restlessly attempted sleep for the rest of the night. It didn't go well. And I "woke up" (seriously you can't count what I did as sleeping), still sick to my stomach and absolutely exhausted.
Fortunately, my mom called and I headed over to her house for a little distraction, courtesy of my adorable niece, Taylor. And then I had voice lessons. I think Cecily was very concerned about my listlessness. I told her how anxcious I was about the callbacks. She said, "If you don't make it, it's because Heavenly Father has something else planned for you."
And Cue the Pity Party. "I'm tired of waiting!". She said, "Well, maybe that's your trial." And then I got a little melodramatic and slightly out of control. "I'm sorry but I think I've had enough trials for a bit! Infertility, a husband who stops believing in God and stops loving me, divorce, being single at 30! I'm done! I've had my share for now! I think I deserve a break! And I'm tired of not getting things I want, no matter how much work I put into them!" Honestly, I'm pretty proud of myself for not having a full on break down and crying. And Cecily was great about letting me vent and then getting me back on track. We went through songs for the callback and by the end I felt much better. I knew I was as prepared as I could be. I was still pretty frustrated about life, but at least I knew I was ready for the callback. Oh and I still felt physically ill.
On the way home, I called Angie. She told me I needed to take a serious chill pill. And she told me I needed to come up to visit her and have more distractions before the audition. So I packed up all the stuff I needed for the callback (change of clothes, dance shoes, etc) and headed to Angie's house.
It was just what I needed. Angie and I talked. She realized she needed a new headshot to submit for the show she's in out at Hale Centre Theatre, so we went outside and I took a bunch until we found one that was Angie-Approved (this is a serious feat btw). I assisted with a little dinner prep while we talked through some more stuff. I whined about how frustrated I am with the trials I have. And she said, "Well, what do you think you need to work on in your life?" Uh... can we really not start that list? It's pretty much unending. We talked about how Heavenly Father sends us trials to help us learn lessons and improve. And the trials he sends us are custom made to get us to where we need to be.
So looking at my trials and challenges, I'm pretty much doomed to a life of lessons about learning patience. And let's throw in tolerance as well. Oh and the really BIG one: Control. I know that when I let go and don't try to force things or control situations, life goes more smoothly. And I know that I can't control everything. I get really frustrated though, when I suffer consequences for other people's choices. For example, Gale chose not to believe in God anymore. The consequences of this decision are still present in my daily life. That one choice, made by another person, was the catalyst that changed my life in so many ways, and continues to do so. It's the gift that keeps giving (sense the sarcasm).
Anyway, after talking things through with Angie, I feel a little better. I mean, I still wish things were different and that I had the power to change them the way I want to. On the other hand, if I had changed things to the way I wanted a few years ago, I would have had a child or two that would have had to deal with the divorce. And I'm oh so very grateful that wasn't the case. So I guess I just need to take a chill pill and plug along and hope that whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me is so awesome it makes up for all the crap of the last couple years.
Man. Life Lessons are rough.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Enough: The Lyrics
So a couple weeks ago, I posted a little brain dump entitled "Enough". It was the first step in the writing process for the lyrics to the song I have to compose for my 30 Things to do Before I Turn 30 list. And today, I did the first draft. Once I get the whole song written, I'll figure out a way to post it on here. In the mean time...remember this is draft #1!
Why aren’t you on your knees, begging me to stay?
Clung to you and hoped life wouldn’t be so rough.
But now I know that when you look at me, you see
Someone who falls short, who just isn’t enough.
Isn’t it enough to hold you tight?
Isn’t it enough for me to wish that all the reasons you once chose me
Would somehow be enough for you to want to stay and fight?
Am I not enough for you to want to spend your days, your life, forever
Or maybe just try to be happy with me for a while?
They give me comfort when you pull away.
Don’t you know I’m thinking of all the many reasons
Why you seem to love me less and less every day.
How many chances did you really want?
Why did it take so long for me to see
That you’re just not in love with me?
Don’t you know that I’m too good for you?
That I’m the type of girl any guy would want?
And I deserve to be with someone
Who thinks that I’m enough!
I will be enough when I hold him tight.
Each day that we’re together he will find another reason
To hold onto me through the fight.
And he will be the one who will live each day, forever
Telling me how I am
VERSE 1:
That one look tells me everything I need to know.
This silence speaks more than you’ll ever be brave enough to say.
How can it be so easy for you to watch me go?Why aren’t you on your knees, begging me to stay?
VERSE 2:
I tried everything to make you want me;Clung to you and hoped life wouldn’t be so rough.
But now I know that when you look at me, you see
Someone who falls short, who just isn’t enough.
CHORUS:
Isn’t it enough to say “I love you”?Isn’t it enough to hold you tight?
Isn’t it enough for me to wish that all the reasons you once chose me
Would somehow be enough for you to want to stay and fight?
Am I not enough when we’re together?
Am I not enough to make you smile?Am I not enough for you to want to spend your days, your life, forever
Or maybe just try to be happy with me for a while?
Will I ever be enough?
VERSE 3:
I don’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.They give me comfort when you pull away.
Don’t you know I’m thinking of all the many reasons
Why you seem to love me less and less every day.
CHORUS
BRIDGE:
How many chances did I think that you deserve?How many chances did you really want?
Why did it take so long for me to see
That you’re just not in love with me?
Don’t you know that I’m too good for you?
That I’m the type of girl any guy would want?
And I deserve to be with someone
Who thinks that I’m enough!
CHORUS 2:
I will be enough when I say I love him.I will be enough when I hold him tight.
Each day that we’re together he will find another reason
To hold onto me through the fight.
It will be enough when we’re together.
Every single day I’ll make him smile.And he will be the one who will live each day, forever
Telling me how I am
Enough.
Another Culinary Masterpiece
This was my dinner. Jealous? You should be!
I decided to experiment tonight for dinner. Why? Because I can. Now that you are salivating, I'll tell you what it is.
It's chicken. Coated in Greek yogurt, Italian breadcrumbs and topped with a few French's Onions. Baked at 375 for 40 minutes. It was so tender and juicy. Mmmm! So good!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
One Third
Do you know what this is? It's the sky in the wee hours of the morning, just as it's starting to brighten.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm showing you this. If you're observant, you may also be wondering why I'm blog at 5:30 am. Duh! Because I pulled an all nighter.
It was on my 30 Before I turn 30 list! That's not the only thing I can cross off after today. I also got a massage. Best. Idea. EVER! Loved every second of it.
That brings me to a grand total of 10 items completed. That means, over the next 4 months(ugh! How is it coming so quickly? You all better start planning epic ways for me to celebrate.), I have 20 items to finish. Just 2/3 left!
Now I gotta go because my eyes are heavy and who knows what might happen....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, June 15, 2012
Pothead pt. 2
I've been jumping around in the Harry Potter saga lately. It's just something to have on in the background while I'm working on things around the house or editing pictures or other such activites. And last time, while I was watching Harry Potter 7 pt 1 and 2, I had a few insights I felt compelled to share.
Well, it's happened again. I was watching number 6(Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), and it hit me. Everything you need for life, you can learn from Harry Potter. Okay, that's not really what hit me. But what I did find interesting was the way some of the characters are developed.
In particular, I find it fascinating how the relationships between characters develop. For example, when pursuing a boy, you don't want to follow in Lavender Brown's footsteps. She latches onto Ron and smothers him to death with ooey gooey affection. And especially since Ron is only being impulsive when it comes to Lavender, it's definitely not going to be a last relationship.
Meanwhile, Hermione has her heart ripped out because Ron is an idiot. And what does she do? She withdraws into books and studies and builds her friendships with others, in an attempt to distract herself. And of course, she avoids Ron when at all possible. She could probably have her pick of boys. But she doesn't want just anyone. She wants Ron and he spends the better part of 7 years being a total moron. And she just waits it out.
And then take Ginny. She likes Harry from the minute that she meets him. And, like Ron, he's a moron. But she doesn't throw herself into other activities. I mean, there's that unfortunate diary incident her first year. But after that, she just goes on with her life. We all know she always has feeling for Harry, but she dates loads of other guys. She always holds on to that hope for Harry to stop being an idiot. But she never pushes. She never forces the issue. She just waits ever so patiently for the right moment. Genius.
Basically, it's best to be a Ginny. Hermione is a close 2nd. And whatever you do, don't be Lavender. That chick is all kinds of crazy.
Well, it's happened again. I was watching number 6(Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), and it hit me. Everything you need for life, you can learn from Harry Potter. Okay, that's not really what hit me. But what I did find interesting was the way some of the characters are developed.
In particular, I find it fascinating how the relationships between characters develop. For example, when pursuing a boy, you don't want to follow in Lavender Brown's footsteps. She latches onto Ron and smothers him to death with ooey gooey affection. And especially since Ron is only being impulsive when it comes to Lavender, it's definitely not going to be a last relationship.
Meanwhile, Hermione has her heart ripped out because Ron is an idiot. And what does she do? She withdraws into books and studies and builds her friendships with others, in an attempt to distract herself. And of course, she avoids Ron when at all possible. She could probably have her pick of boys. But she doesn't want just anyone. She wants Ron and he spends the better part of 7 years being a total moron. And she just waits it out.
And then take Ginny. She likes Harry from the minute that she meets him. And, like Ron, he's a moron. But she doesn't throw herself into other activities. I mean, there's that unfortunate diary incident her first year. But after that, she just goes on with her life. We all know she always has feeling for Harry, but she dates loads of other guys. She always holds on to that hope for Harry to stop being an idiot. But she never pushes. She never forces the issue. She just waits ever so patiently for the right moment. Genius.
Basically, it's best to be a Ginny. Hermione is a close 2nd. And whatever you do, don't be Lavender. That chick is all kinds of crazy.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
AMENDED: 30 Things to do Before I Turn 30
Alright, on my 30 Things to do Before I Turn 30 list, I thought it would be brilliant(brilliantly moronic) to give up the data portion of my phone plan. Yeah. Right.
Let's be honest, that was doomed to fail from the beginning. I have a love/hate relationship with my iPhone. We've discussed this before. When it comes down to it, I love having access to my email anywhere. Facebook makes me die inside, but somehow I feel obligated to check it because that's where everyone shares uncomfortable information that their friends and family never thought to never want to know. But I love that Google Maps gives me directions to anywhere I need to be.
What I'm trying to say is...when my iPhone AT&T contract is up in a month, I'm keeping my iPhone, but leaving AT&T. But I'm going to get a Data Plan.
So, now I'm replacing that "To Do". Instead, I'm going to learn how to tie a man's tie. Yep. Don't know how. I've never tied a tie before. Yep. I was married for 8 years. I have 4 brothers. Never learned how. I figure it's a life skill. You never know when you'll be tested on your tie tying skills.
I'm all over it.
Let's be honest, that was doomed to fail from the beginning. I have a love/hate relationship with my iPhone. We've discussed this before. When it comes down to it, I love having access to my email anywhere. Facebook makes me die inside, but somehow I feel obligated to check it because that's where everyone shares uncomfortable information that their friends and family never thought to never want to know. But I love that Google Maps gives me directions to anywhere I need to be.
What I'm trying to say is...when my iPhone AT&T contract is up in a month, I'm keeping my iPhone, but leaving AT&T. But I'm going to get a Data Plan.
So, now I'm replacing that "To Do". Instead, I'm going to learn how to tie a man's tie. Yep. Don't know how. I've never tied a tie before. Yep. I was married for 8 years. I have 4 brothers. Never learned how. I figure it's a life skill. You never know when you'll be tested on your tie tying skills.
I'm all over it.
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