No Looking Back

I've been thinking a lot over the last few months about regrets.  I hear a lot of people say things like, "I don't want to have any regrets" or "I have no regrets".  And as I think about the experiences in my life, I wondered if I have regrets.  I desperately wanted to say that I didn't regret anything.  But that's just not true.  I have regrets.  I think everyone does and people who say they don't are kidding themselves.

That being said, I can't dwell on my regrets.  There's a lot of things that, with the help of hind-sight, if I could go back in time, I would change.  But I can't go back.  And honestly, would I really change them?  I'm not sure that I actually would.  Most of these things have been instrumental in building me into my charming self.  And quite frankly, several of the things I regret were out of my control to begin with.  I'm not certain I could change them if I wanted to.  I guess I could change the circumstances that put me in those situations in the first place(is your head spinning yet?). 

Anyway, as I've been thinking about regrets and how I wish I didn't have regrets, but how they're really unavoidable.  I think about how, despite the struggles I've had, I've managed to pick myself up, dust things off, and rebuild my life and continue on.  How do I keep doing that?  And what often boggles my mind is that I manage to do it and seem happy...well, actually BE happy doing it. 

I might be a freak.  But I don't like to wallow.  Very rarely am I one of those girls who curls up with a gallon of ice cream, a Chick Flick, a box of tissues and spends the better part of a weekend in this state(complete the picture with sweats and skip hygiene).  I don't broadcast my woes.  I don't talk to the general public or even some of my friends and acquaintances about all my problems.  Rarely will you see me cry, especially in public.  I often joke that I'm dead inside. 

What if that's kind of true?  My ability to move ahead so easily from the divorce sometimes worries me a little.  Maybe there's an issue I'm not dealing with.  Maybe I'm ignoring the pain.  Maybe I really am cold, unfeeling and dead inside.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder.

Part of the problem, is that I'm a bottler.  I take my problems and I put them in a jar.  I keep adding to that jar.  Eventually, it gets too full and explodes in what is usually a mental and emotional breakdown of epic proportions. 

Another issue is that it takes me a little while to mull things over and think them through.  I have my own little process.  I have to let things bounce around in my head a bit.  I have to look at them from all different views.  I have to do my research.  I have to come to a couple possible conclusions/solutions.  Then I go to one of my close friends and talk it over.  But I'm really quite pragmatic about the whole thing.  Usually I don't get overly emotional(there it is again...I'm dead inside). 

And then I just move on. 

I can't afford to think of it as a regret.

I can't afford to think of it much at all.

I just don't look back.

I figure out what I needed to learn from the experience.  And then I look ahead to the next adventure.  I remember the life lesson.  I don't need to relive the pain everyday to remember what I learned.  I don't need to dwell on the misery of my life.  I don't need to talk about it in Relief Society.  I don't need to broadcast it daily on facebook(on occassion, I have a moment of weakness and I'm a little whiney). 

The whole "No Looking Back" thing typically works.  Although, to be honest, there are several things in my past that haunt me fairly regularly.  They take up a lot of space in my jar and I wish I could just move past them.  These are things that have left quite the scar on my psyche.  They keep me from fully jumping into certain situations.  They make me doubt my abilities.  They make me doubt that I can be the person I want to be.  They make me doubt my worth.  They nibble at my confidence and erode foundations I've tried to build. 

And then I put up walls.  I make myself unapproachable.  (don't lie and tell me it's not true, people have told me I'm unapproachable)  I take that deadness inside me and let the world think that's who I really am; someone incapable of sympathy and compassion. 

It's a process I guess.  And recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing it, right? 

Not looking back is how I'm getting through this tough time in my life.  I can't think "What ifs" or "Could have beens".  I just have to move on.  It happened.  It was crappy, but it happened.  I didn't have control over the situation, it just happened. 

So I put it in a jar and bottle it up.  I ignore the pain.  I ignore the betrayal.  I ignore the nibbles and pretend I can't feel it dragging me down. 

I take another step forward.  I have to keep trudging along.  Everyday, another tiny step forward; another step away from the hurt.  It's a choice I make to try to get past the agony.  It's the choice I have to make if I think I want happiness.  It's my choice. 

And I just do it.  No looking back.

Gratitude Day 48

I'm grateful for my blog.  It's kind of like my journal.  I'm so much better at sorting things trough when I write things down.  I appreciate all of you humoring me and reading the rants of a crazy person(that would be me). 

And not to worry.  A few more weeks of Gratitude (it really does help me be positive during this change in my life), and then I can guarantee things are going to get a lot more exciting on this blog.  That's all I can say.  I guess you're just going to have to stick around to find out. 

On that note, I've decided that I'm going to take the blog private.  So... a lot of you know the routine.  If you want to be able to read my ramblings, I'll need you to send me a message or email or something and tell  me your email address and I'll send you an invite.  You have until January 1st.  And then it's going private.  If you make a comment here with your email address, I won't post it, I'll just make note of the email.

Gratitude Day 47

I'm grateful for my new living situation!

I found out I should be moving in sometime at the end of December/beginning of January.  Hopefully, I can get in at the end of December.  I have to start my long-term subbing job January 3rd.  It would be nice if my life weren't a complete disaster at that point.

I'm excited to get to know my 2 new roommates.  I'm excited to try the roommate thing.  I'm excited to go to a Singles Ward (never got to do that the 1st time around).  I'm excited for all the new adventures that await me!

Gratitude Day 46

I'm grateful for free time. 

I'm finding I have more than I thought.  I didn't make The Importance of Being Earnest.  This is my way of spinning it so that I don't become extra bitter. 

Now that I'm not going to bogged down with rehearsals and performances(or preparing for auditions because I'm emotionally worn out), I'll have time to do all the things I've been putting off. Such as...

Write the next Great American Novel
Cure Cancer
Run for Political Office
Learn to Ride a Unicycle
Hitchhike Across the Country
Solve World Hunger
Learn to Golf
Date (Okay, I actually plan on doing this one)
Work on My Fusion Reactor
Become a Racecar Driver
Practice my Lightsaber Technique
Watch Trashy Reality TV
Earn my Millions Creating Useless iPhone Apps
Travel Abroad (I really want to do this one too)
Join the Circus
Practice the Art of Seduction

And that's just the tip of the ice berg.  The World is my oyster!  I can do anything!  I've been given the gift of time!  If you have any other ideas I should add to my list, let me know!

Gratitude day 45

I'm grateful for Christmas music! I love it! I haven't really played it as much this year as in the past. But I do love it! These are some of my favorites...

Sleigh Ride- I love playing this on the piano. The duet is awesome...if only I had some to play it with me.
All I Want For Christmas is You- you know, the Mariah Carey one. Takes me back. I have several interesting memories about this one.
Cold December Night- have heard this new one from Michael Buble? No?! You need to remedy that right now!
The Christmas Waltz- a classic and a long time favorite of mine.
Baby it's Cold Outside- brilliant! Now I just need me a man to sing it with.
White Christmas- I need a white Christmas people!

Just a few of my favorites... What are yours?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Frogs Like the Tissue Paper

Random, right?  Prepare yourself for a whole post like that...

RANDOM: Sometimes I look at my life right now and think, "WHAT?  How did this happen?  It's so...AWESOME!"  I mean, yes, getting a divorce is less than awesome.  But I didn't realize how truly unhappy and even miserable I was until now.  I must be a fairly good actress since most people didn't really know anything was wrong(yes, I'll be happy to accept an oscar...well, a nomination at least).  I know I don't talk about the divorce much.  And I don't want to smear his name through the mud or anything unseemly like that.  But I've been unhappy for at least a year and a half.  I can't count the number of times I've cried in the last 2 years(but at least once a day is a safe estimate).  I suppose something like that should have tipped me off to the state of my happiness, or rather, unhappiness. 

RANDOM: I was talking to one of my younger theater friends a few months ago, during Sleepy Hollow rehearsals, and she was talking about the guy she was dating. She said something about how she would be happy to give up doing shows for him. You have to know her to understand what an amazing statement this was. She's a theater major.  I know she loves shows.  And she said to me that she never thought she'd find a something she'd rather have than theater(I'm paraphrasing, of course).  And I thought to myself, "That is exactly what I want."  The only reason I started doing theater again is because of the no kids thing.  I needed something to distract me from the life I couldn't have.  Don't get me wrong, I really like doing shows.  But I'd give it up in a second for the chance at that other life.   

RANDOM:  And you know what, I can count how many times I've cried since I left.  I cried that night.  I cried the night I went to the house to split the stuff up.  And I cried one other night about 2 1/2 weeks ago, but that was just because I was feeling so overwhelmed with all the things that seemed so out of my control.  Oh, and I cried on Sunday during sacrament meeting. That was entirely my mom's fault.  It was testimony meeting...need I say more?  (And I kind of teared up writing that paragraph about my adorable friend loving her man more than theater...I'm not counting it)

RANDOM:  Sometimes, when I can't go to sleep at night, I imagine I'm somewhere else.  Anywhere else.  I've been to Hogwarts, a Galaxy Far, Far Away, Narnia, Neverland, Middle Earth, Elizabethan England, Olympus, Disneyland(yes, I visit even more often than you thought) and many, many other places.  Sometimes, I just need to escape.  But you know what, I haven't had to do that for a few weeks now.  I think it's because I've got a pretty good happy place here in reality(you know it's good when Disneyland can't even compete)!

RANDOM:  Crocheting clears my mind.  It also makes my wrists hurt.  I haven't crocheted for a while.

RANDOM:  I don't sing in the shower.  Well, I rarely sing in the shower.  I sing just about everywhere else.  But not in the shower.  My brothers all sing in the shower.  I know because my bedroom shares a wall with said shower and I often get serenaded in the morning(the very early morning).  I will sing before I get in the shower, but rarely will I actually sing while I'm IN the shower.

RANDOM:  Sometimes I listen to Taylor Swift music.  It's one of my guilty pleasures.

RANDOM:  I really don't eat a lot of junk food.  I have bags of candy I got for my birthday that remain unopened.  I go through phases of having a bit of a sweet tooth.  But they rarely last longer than 2 weeks. 

RANDOM:  I really like cooking.  It's another one of those things that soothes me.  I do NOT like choosing what to cook!  Especially when I'm cooking for other people.  But I do like cooking for other people.  I also don't love the aftermath of cooking...which is why I try to clean as I go. 

RANDOM:  If I could go anywhere in the world it would be Paris.  I studied French in Jr High and College.  I even brushed up on it 3 years ago when a trip to Paris was cruelly dangled in front of me and then yanked away at the last minute(I'm not bitter).  I want to go to the museums.  I want to go to all the places I've read about in my history studies (Versailles, here I come).  I want to go to Disneyland Paris(judge all you want, I plan on going to every Disneyland park before I die).  I want to drive through the French Countryside.  I want to eat French food.  Of course, I'd also want to go to London.  But that's entirely doable from Paris.

RANDOM:  I'm not a sit-around-and-do-nothing vacationer.  When I go places, I GO places!  I want to see things and do things.  Don't take me to the beach and hand me a book and expect me to be happy for hours.  Not going to happen.  Plus, I have a very fair complexion and would turn into a lobster(and unhappy one at that) in short order.

RANDOM:  I love Apples to Apples.  Amy, do you remember how I video conferenced in for your birthday party and played Apples to Apples?  That was Josh's first exposure to me.  I'm surprised he lets you talk to me still.  Poor Josh.  I'm not sure he realized exactly what he was getting himself into.  Oh well.  You have a cute baby.

RANDOM:  I'd go back and do High School again.  Not Junior High.  But High School for sure.  It wasn't particularly emotionally scarring for me(although there are a few people and experiences I could've done without). 

RANDOM:  I want to go on a cruise.  But I'm terrified the boat might sink.  I mean it's a floating city, right?  Cities don't float!  I mean, where's Atlantis?  Oh on the bottom of the ocean.  And don't even get me started on the Titanic.  However, I'm willing to give it a go.  With the right person, of course.  What?  I'd need someone to hold my hand and tell me I wasn't going to die.  Also, I really want to swim with dolphins.  Have I mentioned that for like 5 years I wanted to be a Marine Biologist?  But I have a slightly irrational fear of the water...so that didn't work out so well.  Also, I like in Land-Locked Utah.

RANDOM:  I don't have a favorite color.  I do prefer Blues and Greens though.  And Pink and Purple. 

RANDOM:  I like being busy.  But I also like just sitting with friends and watching a movie.  Or staying up all night talking.  And I love inside jokes. 

RANDOM:  All growing up, when I'd picture "Prince Charming" (don't judge me, you all know you did it too...well at least the girls did).... he looked nothing like that certain someone I married.  I'm not sure I've ever said that out loud before. 

Did you survive all that?  I'm sorry.  But I had a little bit of Blog Vomit.  I think it's out of my system.  Besides, you were all getting tired of just reading my Gratitudes anyway.

Gratitude Day 44

I'm grateful for DSW. 

If you've never been, you're missing out!  They have awesome clearance deals on designer shoes.  I bought two pairs of AWESOME Steve Madden flats there the other day.  A pair of patent leather blue ones (they're blue, not purple...that's a story for another time) and a pair of black lacey looking ones.  And I had $10 off, so that made the EVEN MORE AFFORDABLE!  Love it!  And now I can be nice and comfortable and stylish when I start subbing right after the Christmas break!

Seriously, go to DSW!