Tolerance, Blame and Forgiveness

I've had a lot of kind of heavy topics bouncing around in my head for, well a couple months now.  I think it's because as I look back on where I was a year ago, I can't help to feel a everything all over again.  I know we're still a couple months out from when I actually left, but things were set in motion, like unstopable bullet train motion, in May of 2011.  At least, that's about where I can trace The Point of No Return to.  And everything is kind of compounded by the fact that tomorrow (August 6) would have been our 9 year anniversary.

Remembering the events of last summer, the snowball effect and the effects one man's choices had on my life and many others, has caused me a lot of angst the last few months.  I've had to wrestle a lot internally and I know it has caused a lot of the stress and anxiety that I've suffered the last bit. 
Pardon me while I go back in time a bit so you better understand where this post is coming from. 
When I came home from the Girls Disneyland trip in May 2011, he had decided to stop wearing his garments.  He never told me.  But I was the one who did his laundry, so obviously I noticed.  And it made me sick to my stomach.  And considering the flu bug that had plagued the Disneyland trip, I had an easy excuse to him for not feeling well.  I suffered fairly silently for a few weeks, but I realized quickly, that a decision was going to have to be made.  A family picture, family reunion, planning for a Disney World trip and many other things were coming up.

Please understand that while I can express myself fairly effectively through the written word, confrontation face-to-face is very difficult for me.  And this is particularly true with delicate topics very close to my heart.  I have a tendency to cry when I feel like I'm being attacked or blamed or anything like that.  So I decided to write him a letter.  The thing is, I had kind of seen the signs before I left and I had left him one note for everyday I was gone on the trip, hidden through the house, telling him different reasons I loved and appreciated him, and one very vulnerable letter detailing my concerns about some of his life decisions.  And then he went and did what he wanted anyway.

I wasn't sure that another letter was going to do anything, but I felt like this time, he needed to understand the new potential consequences that I was starting to see.  I told him that while we hadn't to this point considered divorce, it was something we could no longer ignore as a possiblity.  We had become too different and wanted very different things out of our lives and the lives of any children we might bring to family.  I expressed my heartbreak at all the promises he had made me when we first got married, that he would no longer, if he continued down this path, be able to fulfill.

I found this letter on my computer in May when I was working on cleaning somethings off.  When I read it, I realized how much he truly did not want to be with me.  I had given him every chance to try to be with me.  I had tried to be fairly tolerant of his new views and had given him plenty of time and space to explore things.  But I always made it very clear that the path he was choosing was not an option for me. 

From about the time I got home from California until I moved out in October, I slept downstairs on the sectional.  I claimed it was because it was so much cooler downstairs and I slept better.  Both of which are true.  But it was more than that. 

I knew from that point in June, with the letter, and his lack of enthusiasm to try to keep me, that divorce was inevitable.  But it just never seemed to be the right time.  And somehow I felt that if I told him the marriage would need to come to an end, I would be the one to blame.  After all, I asked for it, right?  At that point I couldn't think of all the chances I had given him; all the different ways I had tried to be supportive and encouraging and loving.  All I could think of was that I was a horrible person for not understanding or accepting him and ultimately it was my fault the marriage couldn't work. 

Even when the fateful day finally arrived, and he just let me go without much of a fight, I still felt like it was my fault.  And what's worse, he allowed and encouraged that thinking in our future interactions.  Somehow I was the one who ruined his life.

I went through quite the cycle.  And as the days, weeks and months went by, I went back and forth between guilt for being the one to initiate the divorce, to anger over the fact that he didn't fight it but still wanted to play the victim, to anger at him for his decisions and the fact that he didn't seem to be suffering consequences while I was starting over, basically from scratch.  In so many ways, where I am now, is strikingly similar to where I was 10 years ago.  Except that now I'm 10 years older and that makes everything a little more complicated.  PLUS, I get frustrated that I've already been through this part of life.  And then I feel guilty for being angry at him.

And occassionally, I hear or read stories that make me feel like I didn't try hard enough.  Or if I'd really loved him, I would have stood by him.  And I even feel like some people close to me think that I shouldn't have gotten a divorce or think I'm the one to blame.  I know each situation is unique and I don't for one minute think that this could have ended any other way, especially knowing what I know now.  But still.  Sometimes things eat at me.

But just recently, a change happened.  I realized I wasn't angry.  I wasn't resentful.  I was just, MEH.  Whatever.  He made his choices.  What consequences he doesn't face in this life, he will face in the next.  And it is unfortunate that I am having such a hard time adjusting to this new life, or that I even have to go through this at all.  But that doesn't really change anything.

I'm not sure I've reach the point where I'm ready to 100% forgive him for all the pain and heartache that he's caused me.  I know I have some issues directly related to the experience that cause relationship problems and I'm sure others will crop up every once in a while; baggage I haven't predicted.  But the point is, I'm getting closer to being able to forgive him. 

And that's definitely a step in the right direction.

Change is Good

I hope you don't get confused or lost on the blog.  I've made a few changes.  I hope you at least noticed...

I have to say something really quickly about the new pictures.  My friend Ashley is AMAZING!  And we got together a couple weeks ago and she took some pictures of me.  After all, we should have documented evidence of the dark hair, yes(my mom's right when she says it's the one thing I have total control over).  Anyway, she did all the pictures in the new banner and the new one that I absolutely love on the right hand side of the blog. 

She did a perfect job!  I'll be blogging a few more of them soon, but I've got places to go right now.  But they are EPIC!  Truly.

More changes on their way.

My Element

I've had a lot of life changes come up recently.  It's really altered my groove. 

But you know what, I like it.  I really thrive when I am busy.  It means I have to structure and schedule myself so much better.  It's hard to organize stuff when you have nothing to organize.  I'm so much more productive when I have loads to do. 

Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8-3 I'm at school.  Awesome.  After Monday morning, I'll get to go to more than just 1 class all day and that will help my sanity.  Seriously.  6 hours of math is so much!  I took my 3rd test on Friday.  It didn't go quite as well as my first 2 tests.  I got 92%.  But that still puts me on track to not have to take the final.  So that's good.  I'm spending a good chunk of my weekend finishing the last 3 chapters and making sure I am ready to go on that last test.  And then I can go register for my next classes.  I love this whole go at your own pace thing!  It's really nice for people like me.

And then in the evenings I've got rehearsal for Scarlet Pimpernel.  With the craziness of summer, we're not rehearsing every night yet, but it's enough to keep me entertained in the evening. 

Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll be playing up at the University of Utah.

I've got homework I'll have to do in the in between times.  Laundry, cleaning, cooking, eating. 

Maybe I'll have time for fun.  But it's not like I have an over active social calendar right now, as it is. 

But I really excel at the whole being busy thing.  And I'm just ready to feel like I have a purpose. 

A New Sleep Cycle

To start off this post, I should probably tell you all that I'm rehearsing for another show.  Someone finally had a little too much peppermint schnapps and cast me in another show.  I'm in the Ensemble of Scarlet  Pimpernel at Centerpoint.  I'm pretty excited, whatever the reason for my casting might be, because I actually to sing in this show...and like be on stage for more than 3 minutes...and I think you'll be able to see my face and tell it's me.  Added bonus:  I get to be a whore (okay, the script says "Tart", but we all know what that means)!  And you know I love taking as many of those whoring opportunities as I can.

A side effect of this show (and a few others things) is that I'm on a completely different sleep cycle now.  It's the Show Sleep Cycle.  I get home from rehearsal at like 10:05ish at think I should get ready for bed and fall asleep.  WRONG!  I'm all wound up from rehearsal.  My brain is going a million miles an hour and I can't get it to turn off! 

And so you're getting this lovely and quite random post.

Today, I started my first day of my first class of Pharmacy Technician training.  It's Pharmacy Technician Math.  I got my book early and did the first 5 chapters so I would be prepared to take a test today.  You see, it's set up so that you can move as quickly as you and finish the class early, just so long as you at least finish by the "End Date".  Technicially my end date is in like 3 weeks.  I probably won't require much past this week.  I managed to take 2 tests today and scored 100% on both of them.  Yes.  I am that awesome.  I'm really aiming to do well on all 4 tests because if I get at least 90% on all 4 tests, I don't have to take the Comprehensive Final.  And I think that's brilliant!  I've got another chapter and a half before test number three and then 3 chapters for test number four.  I think Test number 3 is going to be the hardest.  But I'm hoping to be able to finish up both tests on Friday and be done with the class.  That way I can move on to my other Pharmacy classes.  This one was kind of a pre-requisite to the rest of the stuff.  I understand why, but since I don't have other pre-reqs to finish, I'm stuck in this class MWF (so I can play the piano T/TH) from 8-11 and 12-3.  For those who struggle with math, that's 6 hours each day.  6 hours of math.  Yup.  By hour 5, my eyes were burning and I had a blister on my right ring finger (because I don't hold a pencil "correctly") because I haven't had to write this much for a LOOONG time.  AND my neck and shoulders hurt like the dickens from all the hunching over doing my homework so intensely and over-zealously.  I'm definitely looking forward to taking 2 classes at a time.

So remember back when I was subbing the 8th grade boys and they all wanted to stalk me on Facebook so I had to go all covert with my privacy settings?  Well, I've actually been back and forth over the last week or so about changing those.  Right now, I'm unsearchable.  Unless you find me through a mutual friend, it's next to impossible to track me down and try to "friend" me.  I find myself pretty grateful that I haven't changed those.  Let's just say there may be a stalking incident in my future and at least I know I'm sort of okay on Facebook.  On that note, I'm going to be laying low for a bit on the Facebook so as not to attract attention and allow creepers to find me.  I know I have the power to "Ignore" friend requests, but it's a bit of a delicate situation and until I figure out how exactly to handle it (body guard, boyfriend...a big imposing one...now accepting applications), it's best to just limit the possibilities.

Besides, cutting down on the Facebook will be healthy for me.  I've been a bit (HA!) stressed lately.  And so I've been working on trimming the fat, so to speak.  If it's not something I even moderately enjoy, if it's making me want to punch people in face, if it is just taking up precious time without producing anything positive in my life, it's GONE.  I won't list all the things I've eliminated in the last week, but it's LENGTH-Y!  And yes.  I feel better already.  I'm just going to start getting CRAZY busy and I want to make sure I can maintain a balance and some semblance of sanity.  I'm going to be going to school, playing at the University of Utah, and rehearsing the show.  Plus there's all the normal person things to fit in, seeing my nieces and eating. 

When I put in my contacts in the morning, I sing "I can see clearly now the rain is gone".  Every morning.  It's usually just in my head.  When I switch to fresh contacts, I usually sing out loud. 

Have I mentioned how much I love my piano talent?  I love it.  I got to use it at rehearsal last night to help out.  And then I went to rehearsal with the manly men tonight to play as well.  I get really frustrated with myself sometimes because I feel like I should be better.  Sometimes when I play, I KNOW I should be better.  And that's the worst kind of frustrating.  I also hate that no matter how confident other people are in my abilities, I always feel incredibly inferior to so many people.  This doesn't just go for playing the paino, unfortunately.  I get really frustrated when I realize how absolutely average I am in a group of very talented people. 

I'm trying really hard to be more tolerant of my one roommate.  And the limits have been pushed SEVERAL times.  But I'm not writing this post from a prison cell, so I guess we'll call it success.

I can't believe how quickly the last year has past.  I'm in such a different place that I was a year ago.  It kind of boggles my mind.  In some ways I can't believe it's only been a year; in others, it's hard to realize it's already been a year.  It's been such a rollercoaster.  And such an adventure in ways I would never have imagined (I mean Pharmacy Tech...really?!).  But I wouldn't change a thing.

Except that I wish I were sleeping right now.  I guess I should get off the internets and give it a try again.

Oh, and come see me in The Scarlet Pimpernel.  Monday, Wednesday, Friday cast.  And apparently we're selling tickets pretty quickly, so get on it!  And yes, I'm even doing the show on my birthday.  It will be a nice distraction from the big 30.  Don't tell my cast.  Remember how I'm cancelling my birthday this year?  Except the presents.  I want the presents. :)

And Another One Bites the Dust

I used my 24th of July holiday well. I put together my 72 hour kit. It's not perfect. But it'll get me through a brief emergency. I'll probably add a few more things to it over time. But for now, I feel a little more prepared. And that's really quite a relief. Being a single woman and all, I feel an extra sense of urgency to take care of things as much as possible to avoid emergencies and catastrophes. But that's not always possible. So I also need to be prepared for such unforeseeable craziness.

My 72 hour kits puts me one step closer to being prepared. It also puts me one step closer to being done with my 30 Before I Turn 30 list. Only 13 more items to go. Phew! And the time is ticking. Hope I can make it! I'm getting a little nervous.

Stress and Relief

Stress.  Ugh. 

I hate it.  But it's part of life.  Honestly, it's been TOO much a part of my life for TOO long.  While I do have a tendency to create stress for myself, the last few weeks (okay, like since Memorial Day), have been out of control.  Pretty much we should all be grateful I didn't have to be hospitalized. 

Part of it was my own fault.  I let certain things spiral out of control (in my mind) and tried to ignore things that really needed to be taken care of.  And of course there were the issues I created.  And the things that actually needed to be dealt with on a regular basis.  AND all the superfluous things that I added to my life in either an attempt to take care of some things(knowing full well they wouldn't) or to distract myself. 

It all came to a head this last week.  I found out I was accepted to my Pharmacy Technician Program.  And you'd think that would be a happy moment or something.  I just about burst into tears while reading the letter.  Okay.  I didn't really.  But that's only because my roommate was standing there and I try really hard not to cry in front of people.  Trust me, I made up for it later with a full-blown emotional breakdown; the likes of which I haven't done probably since the divorce.  And it kind of continued on and off for several days.  I was not a functioning human being for most of this week.  And we won't talk about the weight that I lost between the stress and what my mom and I think is some kind of bug we picked up and have been "enjoying" for more than a week.

Fortunately, I have pretty great family and friends that keep me going.  And I snapped out of things a few days ago.  I realized that if something is stressing me out, and I don't NEED it in my life, it needs to go away.  So I cleaned out a bunch of Facebook clutter, email subscriptions, simplified various other aspects of my life, and decided that if auditioning for shows was going to cause me to feel so badly about myself, then I probably shouldn't do that anymore.  And I figured out that if there are things I enjoy doing, maybe I need to do them more; make more time for them.  I also decided to structure my life a little more.  I just do a little better with structure and knowing what my expectations are.

The reason the Pharmacy Tech thing set me off?  Because I'm tired of making  life decisions that A) I've kind of already made like 10 years ago or B) I shouldn't have to be making because this is not where my life should be right now.  BUT I realized that for 6 years, I waited for babies to come.  And I pretended I was moving on with life in the meantime, but I never really did.  I didn't do anything unless I could still do it if I had kids.  I didn't do anything that I might have to quit if the kids thing finally happened.  And I realized I was taking the same approach to life this time around.  I kept thinking, "I could go to school...but what if I meet someone and get married?  What's the point in starting a program if I'm going to quit it before I'm done?"  And while, mentally I try to prepare myself for the fact that I might be single for the rest of forever, part of me has a really hard time with the concept that I'm not going to get anything (marriage, kids, etc) that I was raised to want.

So I gave myself a swift kick in the butt.  I took a deep breath.  And then I drove up to the DATC and registered for my first Pharmacy class.  I've already started on the homework(eventhough the class doesn't start until August 1st) because it's kind of a go at your own pace thing and I'm kind of crazy self-motivated when I put my mind to something. 

No.  It's not what I'm dying to do with my life.  No.  It's not what I always wanted to be when I grew up.  No.  It's not even something I think sounds fun. 

Basically, it's something I am capable of doing, that I don't think will make me want to die a little every day I go to work.  And I need to have a career where I can support myself for the rest of my life, if necessary.  I love my job playing the piano, but it will only provide for me as long as Cecily needs me. 

The Pharmacy thing really stressed me out because I thought it meant not getting to do what I wanted, yet again.  BUT then I realized, it's not one or the other.  I've worked my schedule so that, at least until my externship, I can go to school AND play at the University of Utah.  Also, I'm looking to take on private students to teach.  And then once I'm done with the program, I'm hoping to find maybe a part time Pharmacy Tech position so I can have a stable job AND the job I love. 

I'm feeling better about this plan now.  And I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited about being back in school and learning new stuff (this time it will be useful stuff).

And I'm trying to stay balanced mentally and not spend too much time stressing about work, school and trying to control things that are CLEARLY out of my control.

Hopefully this relief lasts more than a week.

My New Nephew

I have a new baby nephew!  His name is Adam.  He's pretty adorable.  Judge for yourself.

She loves her little brother...maybe a little too much.



And in another couple weeks, I'll have a new niece!  It's basically raining babies around here.