Determined

I’m getting kind of tired of making decisions, only to have to wait for someone to give me permission first.  I know it’s the nature of what I’ve chosen to pursue.  With Music and Theater, there’s always someone who has to “judge” you and deem you worthy of their show or their program or whatever.  It’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s just part of that world.

Today, I caught myself thinking, “Why do I do it?”  Why even bother singing?  Why bother with music at all?  Sure I love doing it.  It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do.  I’ve tried the “responsible” and “boring” routes before.  It’s fine.  Not as fulfilling though.  But seriously, what’s the point?  No one seems to want me to do it.  I audition and audition and audition.  And nothing.  I feel like that’s everyone’s polite way of saying, “You know, sweetheart…  It would be okay if you stopped singing/playing for us now.  Your parents never told you, did they?  You’re not very good.”  And as far as piano playing goes, I’m constantly hearing, “Well, we’d really rather have so-and-so play.  But if they’re busy and the other 5 people we prefer are unavailable as well…then we’ll pretend to lose your number and call someone else because you’re really not that great.” 

At this point you’re all preparing your pep talks.  “You’re good.  Those people are stupid.  Who says crap like that?”  Save it.  I know exactly what I am.  Mediocre.  Not great.  Not terrible.  Just fine.  Guess what?  Just fine isn’t enough.  

But you know what?  When people tell me I can’t do something, it really irritates me.  And it drives me to be a crazy obsessed person, determined to prove them wrong.  And that’s kind of the point I’m reaching with this. 

Not good enough?  Fine.  I’m going to work my butt off trying to figure out how to get better.  I already practice a fair amount of time.  But I don’t want to be a fair singer.  I guess my roommates are going to have to spend less time watching TV and more time listening to me sing(or going to the grocery store). 

Because when people tell me I can’t, I want to turn around and say, “Watch me”.

Sweet Tooth

You know, I really don't have much of a sweet tooth. Not usually, anyway. I mean, I enjoy the occassional sweet(candy, cookie, ice cream), but typically, I'm perfectly content without them.

But recently, I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm baking cookies(and then eating them). I'm grabbing bags of candy at the store(and then eating them). I'm thinking of all the tasty dessert recipes I have and wanting to make them(and then eat them).

Now, it's really not doing me much harm right now. I'm not gaining weight(in fact I'm down a bit...please don't hate me). But it's not good for me in so many ways. Plus, I can't exactly consume all these treats by myself. So I share....with people who might not have the same awesome metabolism I do, or are trying to lose weight, or think I'm trying to make them fat. It's a serious problem.

Yesterday, I came home from school and decided to bake some chocolate chip cookies. I used my uncle, Anthony's recipe. They are the best chocolate chip cookies ever. And I did a pretty decent job too. They look pretty and tasty good. I should have put a tiny bit less flour in, but it's okay.

See? Really tasty looking, right?

But this needs to end. I've come up with a couple of theories about why it's happening in the first place. This isn't how I respond to stress, I know it's not that. (you've all heard about my OCD tendencies, right?) One possibility might be boredom. Don't get me wrong, I'm an incredibly busy person. And that's the problem. When I get really busy, I feel really awkward when I have ANY downtime. I need a healthier hobby. I have another month of subbing and then I can fit the gym back into my life. That will be good. I actually have a lot of Disney World scrapbooking I could be doing.

Another possibility is that I'm making up for lost time. I really love to cook. I didn't so much during Sleepy Hollow because of rehearsals and performances. And then when I moved into my mom's house...well, you know how it's weird to cook in someone else's kitchen? Yep. And eventhough she raised me and I have a lot of the same neurotic tendencies in the kitchen, I wouldn't want to encroach on her territory.

Whatever the reason, it's got to stop. I need a new hobby. Anyone have a suggestion? I don't like hobbying just for the sake of hobbying, though. So if I'm gonna crochet or knit, I've got to have a reason I'm doing it. I can't just make afghans until my fingers bleed just because. Although, I do have a couple more baby afghans I need to be working on. I guess I could get on top of that(that should keep me busy for like a week).

Anyway...I'm looking for some suggestions for killing time. Maybe something that is productive and could improve me as a person?

Roommate Bonding EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

So the FHE for our ward was announced as a combined Social Extravaganza with another ward. It sounded kind of intense. So Lindsey and I came up with our own plans...

We went to Mimi's Cafe for dinner. Then we hopped over to Fashion Place for some retail therapy. I saved an H&M gift card knowing full well that at some point in my subbing I would need a trip to H&M. We both found shirts that we love, so definitely a successful trip.

I then introduced Lindsey to the wonder that is Sephora. She got a Bare Essentuals starter kit and tomorrow when I get home from school, I'm giving her a make up lesson. (I know, we're such girls)

I picked up a freebie nightshirt from Victoria's Secret(so comfortable! I'm thoroughly enjoying it as I type).

We tried DSW for the shopping trifecta(clothes, make up, shoes), but alas, DSW failed us.

We topped off the evening with cookies(I made AWESOME chocolate chip cookies--Karalynn, tell Anthony his recipe is still the best) and How I Met Your Mother.

Yup. It was the best extravaganza I've been to in a long time!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Adventures of the Single Life: THE SINGLES WARD

So I've been attending my new Singles Ward for a few weeks now.  I never did the Singles Ward thing before I got married because my bishop wouldn't let me(we didn't have one within the stake and I wasn't 21 yet so they wouldn't let me go). 

I wasn't missing out on anything.  I could have gone my whole life without going to one and been perfectly content.  I'm going to one in West Bountiful.  And there are just far too many Bountiful High graduates there.  AND what makes it better is that there are even kids in that ward that  I've Substitute taught.  Yup.  I'm THAT old. 

Also, I've shaken hands with the Bishop 3 different times and he hasn't asked for my name.  He just assumes that he knows me.  I know he doesn't.  So he's just pretending that he knows my name.  Or he just doesn't care.  And I understand that our ward is the largest in the YSA stake, but still. 

I've yet to meet the Relief Society Presidency or be introduced in Relief Society, or any meeting for that matter.

But I was a good girl and when they sent around the sheet asking who has musical talent, I wrote down my name and resume and my real phone number.

And you know, there are some girls who are just trying too hard.  There's a fine line between desperate and hooker.  And some of those girls are criss-crossing constantly. 

Of course, it's not like I particularly want to go to a family ward.  How exactly am I going to fit in there?  Time's a tickin' though because I'm so old.  Being old and single sucks.  Even...maybe ESPECIALLY in the LDS church and culture.  Since everything is about families...where exactly does that place someone like me?  I don't have a spouse.  I don't have kids.  I don't live at home. 

Plus, it's weird being in a singles ward after having been married for 8 years.  I've had very different experiences from most these people.  I suppose that could enrich their lives.  But mostly I think we just feel awkward around each other.

And I'm not really "that girl".  I don't get hit on.  Guys don't just come up and start talking to me.  They don't flirt with me.  I don't have a waiting list of guys wanting to go out with me.  And the Singles Ward will be no different. 

I guess I'll keep trying.  It's a place holder I suppose.  Just something to do, somewhere to go, until I figure out life. And like I said, it's not like I want to go to a Family Ward.  That's just not going to be okay for me.

Meet My Mental Health Professionals

So, I have this weird thing...When I get really frustrated, or feel like life is way too out of my control, or I get angry, or I have really hard decisions to make...I clean.

But it's not like "I'm going to tidy things up".  It's like "I've been possessed by the spirit of my grandma"(who is still alive, by the way).  It's rolled up sleeves, hands and knees, scrub the floors by hand type of clean.  It's a scary kind of clean. 

It really works though.  I tell you, by the time I get done cleaning, life is good again.  I can see straight and everything makes sense again.

Let me introduce you to the therapists I've most frequently visited with lately...

My Clorox wipes rarely fail me.  I can always count on them to help me eliminate the tiny, petty problems.

Mr. Swiffer Duster is quite handy and cleaning out all those cobwebs that keep haunting me.

I know that whenever I need to clean the crap out of my life, I call on Lysol Toiletbowl Cleaner!

Pinesol has been the go-to guy for my family for many years.  He's heard so much whining from me, my mom, my grandma...how long has Pinesol been around?  Anyway...I'm surprised he still sticks around with us.  And it might just be the smell reminds me of my grandma's house...but I always feel better after visiting with Pinesol.

"Patiently" Waiting My Turn

You know those really long grocery store lines?  Yup, like the ones at Walmart.  There are 800 people in the store and 3 checkers.  Plus, you managed to pick (once again) the checker who clearly was dropped on their head as a child...or can't stop jabbering about crap...or found the person who needs to price check every single thing in the cart. 

And time seems to stop.  And there you are; standing with your package of pens, tortilla chips, Lysol and feminine hyhgeine products, wondering if any of these items are really necessities.  Unfortunately, one of them is(tortilla chips, obvously).  Besides, you think the line is going to really start cruzing here any second...

...Any second now...

...Oh that lady doesn't have very many things in her basket...oh...searching for coupons...of course...

...Any second now...

...I should have grabbed milk while I was here...

...It probably would have expired while I stand in line...

...Any second now...

Sometimes, I feel like that's how my life is.  I tried to gather up the things I want from the Life Choices aisle and then I got in line.  The wrong line.  And now, the lady behind me wants to be best friends and discuss why I grabbed "History Degree".  What?  How did that happen?  Oh that's right...I thought it was a good back up...and my arms got tired trying to hold that piano degree...this line is seriously so long!  Besides, I didn't really think I'd need it.  Who really uses those anyway? 

Since it seems I have all the time in the world, I look back over the items in my cart.  I got my degree.  Technically, I got married....I just didn't realize someone would decide to go back and put that option back on the shelf.  So, divorce ended up in the cart as well.  Awesome. 

As I've stood in the never-ending-line, I've gone past some of those temptation stands.  You know, the grocery store's last-ditch attempt to make you impulse shop?  I picked me up some roommates.  They're not too shabby.  Not really what I thought I would be putting in my cart at age 29, but still, lovely girls.  I've tossed in a few part time/odds and ends jobs too.  I really love them.  They're nice and shiney.  But I'm just not sure if they're built to last.

So I start to panic, and begin shoving all kinds of crazy things into my cart.  Maybe I'll want another degree.  More school sounds fun(okay, I actually think more school DOES sound fun...but only in particular subjects)!  I sift through the "career" options and I'm just not loving this particular bin.  I hold out hoping that something better will come up before it's my turn at the check stand.  But in goes "Hair Color Change"(my grandmother will love that) and "Nervous Breakdown"(they were on sale, so I got a whole bunch of those).  I pass up "Cat Lady" and "Dog Lover" because of my allergies...and I hate living things.

I go past the "Emotional Baggage" Bin and somehow "Trust Issues", "Inferiority Complex" and "Turns Guys Gay" managed to jump in.  And they make quick friends with "Emotionally Unavailable" and "Control Freak". 

I keep thinking that any minute I'm going to get to the check stand and be able to get the things I want and go home.  I mean, would it be so awful if I ended up with a "Happily Ever After".  I mean, I've searched high and low along the way, and haven't seen one...but I'm determined they exist.  I hear the people in the next line over talking and they....oh yup.  They just got to check out.  Congratulations!  You got your happy ending.  Now what?  Oh, you're going to Disneyland?  Of course you are!  (By the way...what aisle did you find Disneyland on?  I'm a gonna need several!)  Wait?  Is that a BABY?  You got a baby too?  Really?  How am I missing all these items?! 

Oh.  I bet they save the really good stuff for right at the check out stand.  Okay.  I just have to wait a little bit longer to get what I want.  I can see the brightly colored packaging right next to the gum(cuz you always need gum in life).  That's where the good stuff is.  I just need to wait a little longer. 

Wait!  I think the line is starting to move...

....Any second now...

EXCUSE ME!  Did you just cut in line?!?  And the checker just went on break...

Awesome.  Don't mind me.  I'm just patiently waiting my turn...

Good Intentions

Today I had some really good intentions. 

Good Intention #1-  I fully intended to go home and take a much needed nap.  I'm trying really hard (and only semi-successfully) not to get sick(er).  There's so much crap going around the school.  And somehow I've spent the better part of 2 weeks with an on-again-off-again sore throat.  And I'm less than pleased. 

INSTEAD- I went to visit my sister-in-law.  Truthfully, I was doing this anyway.  I needed to give her some pictures.  But I ended up staying for a while(I probably over stayed my visit and she wanted to give me the boot many many times) and chatting.  All the talking didn't so much help the sore throat issue...but it was good to just sit and talk about stuff.  And I've been so busy teaching and playing the piano and running 8 million different places, that I haven't gotten to see much of my nieces.  So it was nice to see Emma, even if she was a little grumpy because it was nap time.

Good Intention #2- I totally intended to tidy up my room and do some other cleaning(because cleaning is cheaper than therapy).  SIDE NOTE:  Our house is so not big enough/dirty enough for all the cleaning therapy I've needed recently.

BUT- I got home and needed to eat some lunch.  And Lindsey was watching How I Met Your Mother, which I love.  So we watched an episode.  And then we talked for a bit(also not helping my throat).  I suppose I can be a crazy cleaning person some other time.

Good Intention #3- I absolutely intended to grade papers and then input said grades into the system(because after 7 weeks of subbing, I finally realized how to do that from home). 

HOWEVER- The system didn't want to cooperate.  It also didn't want me to check my email for the school.  Well, I tried.  What more can you really do?

Good Intention #4- I intended to not waste time on the internet tonight.

FOR THIS- I blame the School District System for not cooperating.  So now when I have a whole slew of crazy blog posts...we know whose fault it is.

Not mine.  I had good intentions...