Determined

I’m getting kind of tired of making decisions, only to have to wait for someone to give me permission first.  I know it’s the nature of what I’ve chosen to pursue.  With Music and Theater, there’s always someone who has to “judge” you and deem you worthy of their show or their program or whatever.  It’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s just part of that world.

Today, I caught myself thinking, “Why do I do it?”  Why even bother singing?  Why bother with music at all?  Sure I love doing it.  It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do.  I’ve tried the “responsible” and “boring” routes before.  It’s fine.  Not as fulfilling though.  But seriously, what’s the point?  No one seems to want me to do it.  I audition and audition and audition.  And nothing.  I feel like that’s everyone’s polite way of saying, “You know, sweetheart…  It would be okay if you stopped singing/playing for us now.  Your parents never told you, did they?  You’re not very good.”  And as far as piano playing goes, I’m constantly hearing, “Well, we’d really rather have so-and-so play.  But if they’re busy and the other 5 people we prefer are unavailable as well…then we’ll pretend to lose your number and call someone else because you’re really not that great.” 

At this point you’re all preparing your pep talks.  “You’re good.  Those people are stupid.  Who says crap like that?”  Save it.  I know exactly what I am.  Mediocre.  Not great.  Not terrible.  Just fine.  Guess what?  Just fine isn’t enough.  

But you know what?  When people tell me I can’t do something, it really irritates me.  And it drives me to be a crazy obsessed person, determined to prove them wrong.  And that’s kind of the point I’m reaching with this. 

Not good enough?  Fine.  I’m going to work my butt off trying to figure out how to get better.  I already practice a fair amount of time.  But I don’t want to be a fair singer.  I guess my roommates are going to have to spend less time watching TV and more time listening to me sing(or going to the grocery store). 

Because when people tell me I can’t, I want to turn around and say, “Watch me”.