No Looking Back

I've been thinking a lot over the last few months about regrets.  I hear a lot of people say things like, "I don't want to have any regrets" or "I have no regrets".  And as I think about the experiences in my life, I wondered if I have regrets.  I desperately wanted to say that I didn't regret anything.  But that's just not true.  I have regrets.  I think everyone does and people who say they don't are kidding themselves.

That being said, I can't dwell on my regrets.  There's a lot of things that, with the help of hind-sight, if I could go back in time, I would change.  But I can't go back.  And honestly, would I really change them?  I'm not sure that I actually would.  Most of these things have been instrumental in building me into my charming self.  And quite frankly, several of the things I regret were out of my control to begin with.  I'm not certain I could change them if I wanted to.  I guess I could change the circumstances that put me in those situations in the first place(is your head spinning yet?). 

Anyway, as I've been thinking about regrets and how I wish I didn't have regrets, but how they're really unavoidable.  I think about how, despite the struggles I've had, I've managed to pick myself up, dust things off, and rebuild my life and continue on.  How do I keep doing that?  And what often boggles my mind is that I manage to do it and seem happy...well, actually BE happy doing it. 

I might be a freak.  But I don't like to wallow.  Very rarely am I one of those girls who curls up with a gallon of ice cream, a Chick Flick, a box of tissues and spends the better part of a weekend in this state(complete the picture with sweats and skip hygiene).  I don't broadcast my woes.  I don't talk to the general public or even some of my friends and acquaintances about all my problems.  Rarely will you see me cry, especially in public.  I often joke that I'm dead inside. 

What if that's kind of true?  My ability to move ahead so easily from the divorce sometimes worries me a little.  Maybe there's an issue I'm not dealing with.  Maybe I'm ignoring the pain.  Maybe I really am cold, unfeeling and dead inside.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder.

Part of the problem, is that I'm a bottler.  I take my problems and I put them in a jar.  I keep adding to that jar.  Eventually, it gets too full and explodes in what is usually a mental and emotional breakdown of epic proportions. 

Another issue is that it takes me a little while to mull things over and think them through.  I have my own little process.  I have to let things bounce around in my head a bit.  I have to look at them from all different views.  I have to do my research.  I have to come to a couple possible conclusions/solutions.  Then I go to one of my close friends and talk it over.  But I'm really quite pragmatic about the whole thing.  Usually I don't get overly emotional(there it is again...I'm dead inside). 

And then I just move on. 

I can't afford to think of it as a regret.

I can't afford to think of it much at all.

I just don't look back.

I figure out what I needed to learn from the experience.  And then I look ahead to the next adventure.  I remember the life lesson.  I don't need to relive the pain everyday to remember what I learned.  I don't need to dwell on the misery of my life.  I don't need to talk about it in Relief Society.  I don't need to broadcast it daily on facebook(on occassion, I have a moment of weakness and I'm a little whiney). 

The whole "No Looking Back" thing typically works.  Although, to be honest, there are several things in my past that haunt me fairly regularly.  They take up a lot of space in my jar and I wish I could just move past them.  These are things that have left quite the scar on my psyche.  They keep me from fully jumping into certain situations.  They make me doubt my abilities.  They make me doubt that I can be the person I want to be.  They make me doubt my worth.  They nibble at my confidence and erode foundations I've tried to build. 

And then I put up walls.  I make myself unapproachable.  (don't lie and tell me it's not true, people have told me I'm unapproachable)  I take that deadness inside me and let the world think that's who I really am; someone incapable of sympathy and compassion. 

It's a process I guess.  And recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing it, right? 

Not looking back is how I'm getting through this tough time in my life.  I can't think "What ifs" or "Could have beens".  I just have to move on.  It happened.  It was crappy, but it happened.  I didn't have control over the situation, it just happened. 

So I put it in a jar and bottle it up.  I ignore the pain.  I ignore the betrayal.  I ignore the nibbles and pretend I can't feel it dragging me down. 

I take another step forward.  I have to keep trudging along.  Everyday, another tiny step forward; another step away from the hurt.  It's a choice I make to try to get past the agony.  It's the choice I have to make if I think I want happiness.  It's my choice. 

And I just do it.  No looking back.