Time for another brain dump. I'm trying to empty my brain before I go to sleep. The nights when I have rehearsal, I can usual fall asleep in an efficient manner, and even when I don't, I get pretty high quality sleep because I'm so physically and emotionally wiped out. But today has been a particularly loooong Sunday. I'm a little concerned that I might not be able to get to sleep.
Part of that might be my own fault. I don't know why, but I was So Freaking Exhausted today. I made it thru church okay. Mostly because I was filling in for Primary pianist, which kind of requires me to stay awake. But post-church has been rough. I full on fell asleep this afternoon while making flash cards for my Pharmacy class. Yep. It was that bad. I pulled out the Diet Coke. Hopefully it won't suddenly kick in with a vengence. I didn't drink any past 6:00, so I think I should be okay.
Lindsey and I always try to make it our goal to "make it" to 9:00 before we cave in to our old lady tendencies and go to bed. But by 7:00, we were dead. So we decided to take a walk. We took a nice hour long walk. It was pleasant weather, with the exception of all the smoke in the air. And it killed an hour!
Anyway, I'm definitely tired, but sometimes my brain prevents me from getting to sleep. So I am trying to preempt that with this post.
I desperately need to memorize my Scarlet Pimpernel music. It's really difficult to practice as much as I'd like with roommates. I don't like feeling like I'm bothering people. And since I'm singing Alto/2nd Soprano in this show, I need to sit at the piano a little more than I might normally so I can make sure I'm singing the right notes. I have a few days off from rehearsal this week, so I'm going to try to get that all done this week.
On Friday, one of my days off from rehearsal, I'm going to see Angie in "9 to 5 The Musical" out at Hale. I'm pretty excited about it.
I don't keep Balance Sheets for my life. I just assume that eventually the good, the bad, the ugly, the awesome, it will all balance out. Eventually.
I'm excited to start back playing at the University of Utah this week. I've cleared out binders and I'm ready to go. I haven't played a lot of hard musical theater stuff this summer, so I'm a little worried I'm going to rusty. But I'm sure it won't take long to get back into the swing of things(I hope).
Taking a more passive approach to Facebook has been good for my sanity. I've been much more content with life. And I've felt a lot fewer urges to punch people in the face.
I think I might be a tad too intense. I know. Brand new information. Maybe I take myself too seriously. I know I have incredibly high expectations for myself. I just don't see it changing anytime soon. What has led me to see this in myself again? Oh. You know. I go to school and I'm the quiet kid who sits and studies dutifully and wants to throw things at people when they talk while I'm trying to take a test. I just don't think some of the conversations that happen in the classroom are necessary. And it's not like I'm opposed to a little relaxation. I'm just a very focused person. And I know not everyone is. And then I go to rehearsal. And I must have quite the expression on my face when I'm learning choreography or music because I've had multiple people come up and make comment to me about not looking so sad or smiling or having fun etc. I'm not an unfun person....right? I like to have fun and get to know my castmates. But not at the expense of the production. I just don't do anything half way. And I like to give it my best effort every single time. And in the beginning, especially, that takes more effort and focus. The cast is great. Just sometimes they're a little more social than I would like. I know, it's not like that's hard. I'm not Madame Social Butterfly. I just feel like there's a time and a place for all the jabbering and the process could really be streamlined. I know. I just need to chill out. I am aware that it's my issue.
As a side note, it's been about a year since Sleepy Hollow started rehearsals. We're approaching the year mark since my trip to Disney World. And that means other important dates are coming up. I'll be thirty in less than 2 months. I've come to terms with it. I'm not like super excited, but I don't think I'll end the evening in a drunken stupor. And of course it's coming up on a year since that the divorce process started. Because of this and my upcoming birthday, I've been thinking a lot about how this last year has been going. It's definitely different than any other year of my life. Very different. I would never in a thousand years imagined some of the experiences I've had. But I needed them.
Which leads me to my next thought...Heavenly Father has everything under control. He knows where you need to be. And even when you're stubborn and stupid and take the long route, he still makes sure you get there. And so even when things are rough and I'm frustrated that I'm not where I'd like to be, I know that if it's where I'm supposed to be, I'll get there eventually. I can't control everything that happens around me. I can't control all the choices that people make. But I have faith that Heavenly Father has it covered. What's meant to be, will be. Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like. Sometimes we even have that feeling that it will be a long road. That doesn't always make it easier. I know from experience that things turn out the way they're supposed to. While it still breaks my heart a little(okay a lot) that I don't get to be a mom, I know it's what had to be. And I think it gave me some of the tools I needed to deal with the divorce and being single again.
I still get frustrated. There are things I want so badly. Things I know it's not wrong to want. Things, in fact, that I SHOULD want. And other people have them and take them for granted and whine and complain and neglect their precious responsibilities. And it makes me so angry when I would give up all of my so-called "freedom" as a single woman to have those commitments they are so "burdened" with. And I feel left behind. I feel sometimes like everyone is getting to move on with their life and I'm being left in a Groundhog's Day type scenario, forced to repeat the same lonely moments over and over.
But I'm up to the challenge. Everyday is a new adventure. And I'm not afraid of what might lay ahead. I'm so used to working so hard for everything in my life, that things being difficult don't even phase me anymore. And isn't the things we work the hardest for, that we appreciate and love and treasure the most? Some things are just worth waiting and working for. And if there's anything I've learned how to do from my life experiences, it's how to wait and work. And I definitely don't know how to quit.
Phew. Hopefully that emptied out enough of the weighty items that I'll be able to drift off to happy thoughts and lovely dreams in no time at all.
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