Things came pretty easily to me, growing up. School wasn't hard. I was smart. Not like, freaking genius smart. But nothing was much of a challenge. I mean, as I got older, more work was required of me. That was difficult because I hadn't really had to work much before. And it took a while for me to really want to do the work and to really appreciate the results.
Now, work is part of my daily life. Hard work. When you're a kid, you just don't understand how much work is required in life. I don't have homework anymore. Okay, well, I kind of do right now because of all the teaching. But I'm not in school.
The thing is, I still have a ton of stuff to learn. I love learning. That's the thing I miss most about school. I miss learning new things everyday. I'm sitting here looking at my book shelf(and the many books that have been sadly neglected), and thinking how I'd love to pick up one of my old textbooks and really go to town on it. Right now probably isn't the best time, but I'm glad they're out of storage so I can take advantage of them when I do have time.
Anyway, learning is hard work. If I'd known the other learning methods that would be ever-present in my life, I might have appreciate homework more. I think about everything that I've been through in the past decade, since graduating from High School. All I've done is work. And it's been hard. Sometimes really hard.
College: Did you know I had to write a 30 page paper to graduate as a History Major? And I chose Queen Elizabeth I. Do you know how hard it is to find Primary Sources from the 1500's? In Ogden Utah? Yeah. Hard work.
Marriage: Did you know it takes work to live with another person? Espcially if you want to do it some what successfully. Hard work. Of course, it takes both people working and fighting for success for things to really work. Hard work....and something I can't control.
Fertility: Did you know that I have been "inspected" by no fewer than 26 people? Yeah. Do you know what some of the procedures are to just diagnose (or attempt to) infertility? If you don't, count yourself lucky. Then there's all the planning, coordinating, medication, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, more ultrasounds, disappointments. Hard work.
Divorce: It took me the better part of 2 years to realize that I needed to get a divorce. It took me that long to come around to the idea that I couldn't save my marriage. It took me that long to accept that, inspite of all the HARD WORK I'd put in, I had FAILED. I don't fail at things. Is it awful that that is probably the biggest scar I have from the whole thing? The failure of it all. I know that not everything was my fault. It takes 2 people a lot of Hard Work to make a marriage work. It takes 2 people to end a marriage too. And the paperwork and the waiting for 90 days and the emotional issues...All HARD WORK!
Recovering: When you get pushed down and then kicked around for a while, you have to find a way to get back up. Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning. For me, it changes every day. Every day I need a new reason just to get out of bed. I need a new reason to get dressed. I need a new reason to (pretend) to function. Some days, it's not that hard. Some days, finding a reason is HARD WORK.
Happiness: Happiness is a choice. I think that's something that a lot of people don't understand. There are things that are absolutely out of my control. I don't get to make choices for other people. Sometimes I have to suffer consequences for choices I didn't make. Sometimes things are just plain crappy. But you know what? At the end of the day, I get to choose how much I let that effect me. I get to choose if I'm going to wallow and throw myself a giant pity party. I get to choose if I'm going to push past it and find that sliver of a silver lining. I get to choose if I want to be happy. And I always choose to be happy. Trust me. It's far from easy. But I can not spend my life crying. I can not spend my life moping around waiting for someone to hand me my perfect life on a silver platter. I refuse to put my happiness in the hands of others. Yes. Other people help me find happiness. But they don't control when I feel it, or when I don't. I get to decide what things I dwell on. I get to decide what people I keep around me. I get to make my own happiness. And sometimes, that is Hard Work.
This has been a long, kind of rambling blog post to get to one little point...
I'm grateful I know how to work hard. I'm grateful I know work is part of life. I'm grateful for every chance I'm given to work and grow. (But I would be okay if life got a little easier for a bit...I mean, I definitely wouldn't complain.)
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